story

Of recent I had cause to amend with a friend of old, and through the rigour of our reunion - tempers and joys which flared and cooled by the hour - we calmed one night in the course of our sojourn by deep-night candlelight, and shared tales - as we may here, now.

My dearest Millery,

S.A 2060

In my travels across Middle-earth in search of the elusive and slippery Nick Tallow, I heard many tales of his reputed exploits and deeds (and at least as many more concerning his actual misbehaviours and tawdry misdemeanours).  Many of these were clearly drawn from the Trials &etc., but Tallow possessed an extraordinarily broad repertoire of fictions and was fond of drawing upon this store whenever given the merest opportunity.

So endseth the Great Tale of the War of the Ring and the Mighty Lord Tallow, the best and greatest hero ever, or at least in the last few years.  And so it was as it is so and Lord Tallow did pass into shadowy darkness where the light shineth not or it would not be dark and shadowy, and he did pass out of renown and song.

So it was now so as it was so to be as it had to be so, so King Sauron was dead and also defeated by me.  And truly was this glad tiding, because he would have destroyed the whole world or ruled over it or some such terrible thing, probably.  And all the army shouted aloud, ‘Hurrah for Nine-fingered Frodo and Steve!  Hip hip hooray!’

The wind coming down from the valley was beginning to get colder for the elf as he sat by the fire he had just lit, enough branches on the ground in the area he chose to settle for the night to make a decent enough fire.

‘Hello, Lord of the Black Land of Mordor, the Land of Shadow!’ I called in ringing tones.  ‘Let the wicked King Sauron come forth and do battle with us, the Host of the West, the Captains of the West, the Bearers of the Last Ring, the Lords of the West!’

And so I did continue speaking.  ‘Verily must we strike against him, lest he destroy the entire world.’

‘I say we go to war!’ cried Prince Imrahil, who was a very tall man and loved to fight, broad and mighty even as an auroch.¹  ‘Show that rotten Sauron what’s coming for him!’