In my travels across Middle-earth in search of the elusive and slippery Nick Tallow, I heard many tales of his reputed exploits and deeds (and at least as many more concerning his actual misbehaviours and tawdry misdemeanours). Many of these were clearly drawn from the Trials &etc., but Tallow possessed an extraordinarily broad repertoire of fictions and was fond of drawing upon this store whenever given the merest opportunity.
The following tale is reported from Combe, a small farming and foresting town in Bree-land, where Nick Tallow reportedly stayed for some days in the immediate years following the War. This brief sojourn is chiefly remembered by the townsfolk for two reasons.
For one, it is claimed by the townsfolk that Tallow travelled to Combe with a great and fair host of Elves and Men in his retinue; mighty and gallant lords and ladies who had accompanied their chieftain from the south. This, for obvious reasons, cannot in any way or detail be true, yet the simple people of Combe still recall “the day Tallow’s elves came to town” with extraordinary pride and fondness.
The second (and rather likelier) reason is that Tallow abruptly absconded from Combe some days later in the middle of the night, having lost favour with several people over the previous days by virtue of his blatant attempts to convince a local lass (and the daughter of a constable) to elope with him. Tallow departed without the maiden, but with several extremely valuable pieces of jewellery stolen from a local craftsman by the name of Ragwort. Tallow reputedly never visited the jeweller, and legend has it that none ever learned how he came by the ornaments, hidden away and guarded by lock and key.
Yet despite these indiscretions, and the long intervening years, Combe by and large fondly remembers the time that Lord Tallow graced their humble community with his superficially gallant presence, and the following tale remains a constant favourite in the local inn. I present it here without comment or remark, for there are frankly no longer any remarks worth offering. I have, however, attempted to present the tale in form as close as is likely to the original as told by Tallow; drawing upon numerous similar versions of the story that have sprung up in the lowliest and most dubious of places in order to arrive at a (mostly) cogent tale.
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Once upon a time a few years ago, I was sitting about in my castle, considering great and difficult things and hoping that the wicked High Steward Denethor would not inevitably betray the fair land of Gondor to Mordor, when there was a knock at my door.
‘Enter!’ I cried brilliantly.
The door opened, and who do you think was there? Why, it was none other than my old friend and good friend, Mr Prince Imrahil, of Dol Amroth in Gondor. He was a pleasant sort of chap, with a great bushy beard and a rolling laugh, but today he was not laughing, though he still had his beard. Nay, there was wrath in his eyes and sorrow in his step and tears in his eyes and also his beard.
‘Why, good Imrahil!’ I declaimed, ‘Whatever is the matter, old friend?!’
With great fear and terrible tragicosity, Imrahil answered my question with the words of a reply. ‘A…a…a dragon! Last week, a dreadful frightful mighty beastish dragon, with swords for claws and knives for teeth.’ But Imrahil spoke figuratively, as he and I both understood, it was actually quite a normal dragon and normal claws and teeth that were just horrid and massive and sharp like knives or swords but not really.
So anyway, Imrahil said, ‘Last week this dragon popped up next to Dol Amroth, which is where I live and am Prince of, and one day I will be king of when my father dies.’
‘Yes, I know,’ I declared. Dol Amroth is a place somewhere in Gondor, and the King of Dol Amroth is a great friend of the kings of Rohan and Gondor, who are also my friends. It’s a very big city and they love swans and boats there, and the people of that place are mighty and tall, nearly as tall even as I.
‘Oh no!’ I cried. ‘That is terrible news. About the dragon that is, not about you being Prince. If I can aid you in the slaying of this wretched worm, dearest of friends and best of chaps, I will gladly do so!’
‘Excellent, let’s be off then,’ said Prince Imrahil.
So off we went, riding through the lands of Gondor, but first walking through my massive castle, richly decorated and very magnificently filled with treasure and jewels and nicely made chairs, to get out the gate and into the lands of Gondor.
Then we were in the lands of Gondor. Green and wide they were, with hills all about and trees on those hills, and also between those hills, and also where there were no hills at all. As we rode, we espied many great and beautiful sights, like rivers and stags and things like that. Truly the land of Gondor, which is my home, is the fairest of all the lands of Gondor.
Then we got to Belfalas which is where Dol Amroth is, and that land was also fair! But it was not so fair this day, for it was black and burning and on fire, and also everywhere we rode were skeletons and dead people who had been chewed up!
‘Alas, for the fair land of Dol Amroth,’ I wept, and as I rode I sang a lament for that land and its terrible problem with this pesky dragon.
Where once there was a wagon,
Now feasts a great big dragon.
Whose hot and fiery breath,
Hath brought lots of sad death.
From head to mighty tail,
His sight doth make folk wail.
And when he comes to feast,
Then hide away your beast…s.
But this worm shall we slay,
Aye, we shall slay him today!
And when dead lies the dragon,
Then shall we toast our flagons!
And all the people cheered and wept as they heard my song, and they cheered for they were truly glad that I was here to help kill the nuisance. And they wept because they were glad too, it was that happy sort of weeping, but they also wept because they were sad that the dragon had eaten their fathers and wives and so on. But mostly were they glad, for I am famed in those lands, famed for being well-known.
Then we got to Dol Amroth and behold! there the dragon too also was, and he saw me, and roared spitefully, and ran away by flying away into the sky! But before he flew away, he snatched up a maiden in his very jaws, to feast upon later!
‘What vileness is this?!’ I questioned. ‘Pray, Prince Imrahil, who was that fair maiden? Do you know her?’
And Imrahil wept sore tears and he said, ‘Lord Tallow, thou must now learn a terrible truth, for she is my betrothed! Lilac is her name, and truly she is the fairest of all fair maidens I ever did set eyes upon!’
And I gasped in shock. ‘Well, we must rescue her then, of course!’ I said. ‘I did not know you were betrothed, Prince Imrahil!’
‘Aye, it be recent news,’ explained Prince Imrahil. ‘And a strange tale indeed, which I was going to tell you soon, for naturally you will be invited to the wedding feast! But I haven’t seen you for a while, which is why I did not tell you.’
‘Of course, this makes perfect sense to me,’ I replied. ‘My sincerest congratulations, old chum!’
‘Thanks!’ reanswered Imrahil. ‘Anyway, I was out riding and hunting last week, and I killed a deer and three boar. Also our good friend Boromir was there, but he’s gone off to war again so he can’t help us with the dragon.’
‘A great pity,’ I intoned. ‘Boromir is a great warrior and mighty man, being the son of the nasty High Steward Denethor and Captain of the Army of Gondor. He is indeed a fine sort of chap.’
‘Yes,’ affirmed Imrahil. ‘Anyway, we were off hunting, and what do you think we saw? A maiden, with flowing hair and a heaving bosom! And she was asleep in a patch of lilacs, which is how she earned her name, because she woke up and we said, “What is your name, fair maiden,” and she said, “I do not know.” So we brought her back to Dol Amroth and named her Lilac, and then we fell in love. Her and I that is, not Boromir. And then I said, “O Lilac, sweetest of all the flowers in the field and fairest of all maidens in Dol Amroth, I love you dearly. Will you marry me?” And she said, “Yes of course, Prince Imrahil!” And that is the happy tale of how we came to be betrothed.’
‘Truly, I am glad for you, my old friend,’ I said gladly. ‘Now come on, let’s get that awful old dragon and rescue Ms Lilac! Or should I say…Mrs Imrahil?’ And we laughed merrily as we rode on to the dragon’s lair.
The dragon had made its lair in a place called Edhellond, which was quite near Dol Amroth. So we rode up there, drawing our swords and shouting challenge of war to the dragon and waving our swords about. And as we rode we drew ever nearer to the dragon, nearer and nearer aye! with every step we were closer to it and not further away, until suddenly! we were there, where the dragon was!
It was a massive dragon, one of the biggest I’ve ever seen! It was as big as a huge tavern, or a fairly small mountain, and smoke and fire poured out of its nostrils and onto the grass. At the moment, it was hiding behind a mountain, but we could see it, because the mountain was quite small, and we said, ‘Huzzah and have at thee, oh dragon!’ And realising the game was up, the dragon pounced on us!
First it breathed a river of fire, but we jumped in the sea and a sea of water is much bigger than a river of fire. Then it tried to eat Prince Imrahil all up, but he had big spikes all over his spiky armour and it had to spit him out again. And while it tried to eat Prince Imrahil, I chopped at its neck and claws and tail and other bits and wounded it terribly, but I did not kill it, even though I chopped very well and heroically. For there is only one way to kill a dragon, but luckily, I knew what that way was, since otherwise maybe I could not have killed it.
‘Hey, over here, Anfarastator the Green!’ I cried, which was the dragon’s name.
Anfarastator the Green looked over here, which was there, which was where I was. ‘Ah, Lord Tallow, we meet at last,’ it growled in a dragon’s voice. ‘Much have I heard of thee and all thy brilliance and noblosity. But now your brilliance is at an end.’
And, my dear audience, the big dragon turned around and knocked Prince Imrahil over, and he fell on the ground and said, ‘Ouch.’ And then Anfarastator the Green pounced on me…AND SWALLOWED ME RIGHT UP!
‘Noooooo,’ said Prince Imrahil, when he saw me get swallowed right up.
So there I was, swallowed by a dragon. But luckily, I knew that the only weak spot of a dragon is its belly…it is a secret known only to the wise, of course, but luckily I am quite wise. So when I shouted, ‘’Hey, over here!’’, what I was really doing was tricking the dragon, into putting me into its belly! So then it was so as it was suchly so that I was gobbled right up into the dragon’s belly, and then suddenly I used my sword AND STABBED THE WICKED WORM RIGHT TO DEATH.
So anyway, I killed the dragon right to death, and then it perished! And as Anfarastator the Green lethally died, he cried, ‘Alas, that I a foolish and wicked worm thought to challenge the skill and cleverness and mighty arm and sharp sword of Lord Tallow! Truly, I have only myself to blame for my life ill-spent and my untimely end at the hands of this the mightiest and greatest of Men I ever did meet, and let me tell you, I met with quite a few!’ Then he died, and that was that.
So then it was as so that I did crawl out from the dragon, and stood there all covered in blood and gore and bits of dragon, and I said, ‘The dragon is dead.’ And everyone cheered.
‘Prince Imrahil,’ I said, ‘Where is Lilac?’
‘Oh, right!’ cried Prince Imrahil. ‘I forgot about that. Why, where indeed is she indeed?’ And then we looked into the dragon’s lair, and there she was. She was indeed a very fair maiden, with long hair and she was not too thin. Also she saw us, and she said, ‘Prince Imrahil, my love!’ And he said, ‘Lilac, my love!’ And they embraced and kissed wildly and passionately.
And I was glad, yet also I was not? For on seeing the face of Lilac, and hearing her voice, a strange memory and thought did come to my mind, and I thought that maybe there was something wrong with this happy tale.
And I said, ‘Prince Imrahil, are you sure you never met this lady in your life?’ And he said, ‘No. I mean, yes, I am sure that I did not meet her, so no.’
So I said, ‘By the way, Prince Imrahil, do you remember when you were just a baby and some elves came by and they visited Dol Amroth for a bit and while they were there they kidnapped your twin sister and ran away with her, and all the land wept at the treachery of those elves and at the loss of your sister, Imra…erm. Imraher.’
And Prince Imrahil said, ‘Aye, I remember it well.’
Now, I am counted wise in matters of wizardry and wisdom, and have studied many things that are strange, and I happen to know a few spells. And I held up my hand, and I said a magic word, though I should not say it now, in case some magic accidentally happens. And lo! the magic word worked, and suddenly Lilac remembered everything that she had forgotten, because I had removed the wicked spell placed upon her!
‘So it is so,’ said I. ‘The dragon, even in death, has one final vengeance to enact, my friend, and so it is thus that this woman is your sister.’
And then did Imrahil and…and what did I say? Imraher, that’s right. Imraher and Imrahil did then weep bitter tears of bitterness, and Prince Imrahil said, ‘But Lord Tallow, we are in love!’
‘Imrahil,’ I said very sternly. ‘You cannot marry your sister, it’s wrong.’
‘But I want to,’ said Imrahil. ‘And she’s not really my sister, is she? I haven’t seen her for years and years, after all.’
‘It is wrong,’ I said. ‘It is not for you or I to question why it is wrong, it just is.’
‘Well, I believe you Lord Tallow, because truly are you the wisest and best person I ever met,’ said Imrahil, but I could tell that he was still upset. Truly did I feel sorrow for him, for it was an unhappy chance and also quite unlucky, because he didn’t know at the time, and to be fair, she was very pretty. But anyway, so it was so.
But Imraher wept sadly, and she said, ‘Alas for this cruel fate, o Lord Tallow, for true is our love and also we didn’t know. But now I feel my heart sore within me and am most vexed, for I know I shall never love again. Farewell, sweet world, and dear brother, and also Lord Tallow!’ And then she cast herself from the cliff and into the sea, and ever after was that place known as Imraher’s Fall. Because she fell off there.
But as we watched, a strange thing happened, for a great white bird arose from the sea where Imraher had fallen, a bird like a seagull or something, and it rose high into the air, and thus did we know that Imraher was at last at peace.
Then we went back home.
And this, my dear friends, is the terrible tragic and true tale of the Tragedy of Prince Imrahil and Princess Imraher and the Green Great Dragon.
