Aeruthuil

I was told by Taala that Seaver is upset with me. His reasons, I have not been by to see him. Aye, for some time after I met Aeruthuil (Aeru) I chose to not go around him. Is that not what most women do when they discover love?

I know not what to say, twice now have I expected damaging confrontations. I write hastily to sum up goings on because although my work is diminishing it is not yet diminished enough for my tastes. 

Potentially wounding words there might have been and at least some form of anger or reprisal directed my way and twice I have been disappointed by my expectations. A good thing, you might say.

My days are long. Gradually there seems to be developing some order among the chaos. I even found the time to interview a charming lady yestereve with regards to taking on some of my burden. Playing catch up as I am with the company accounts.

It's a good thing that Jack awoke me before dawn this morning, though I was irritated at first with his incessant stomping and snorting outside the door. The fair weather has him restless and wanting to move about, and though I snapped at him to take his gargantuan black and white hide away from the house, I have to feel rather grateful now, as I have much to record here before I start my day's work. 

Oh, where to begin? I think I must've encountered half of Bree last night, in the space of just a few hours. 

I got there with barely any time to spare. I knew the babe was coming soon. I could feel the pains of contractions. They were getting closer, steadier, I wanted to urge my horse faster but I dared not. I could also feel something was wrong with him. I did not know what, I found out later, after I gave birth. I gave birth to a boy. We have a son now. I wish I could say I spent some time with him, recovering, letting him see his son more before he would yet again leave on some vast trip, but it was not to be. It was short lived. A mouthy lass had to put her two coppers into my life.

I lost my old journal, or rather... I ran out of space so I hid it in Ost Barandor. I suppose a new journal will do. This way nobody can trace my steps from beyond where my last entry ended. 

Where should I begin..

It has been a while since I left the camp and many friends there. But it is not the thing that saddens me the most. I haven't meet the love of my life for a long while now and this is what saddens me the most. Where are you, my love? Have you abandoned me or forgotten about me? No. I am sure you haven't. I think that Aeru knows more than I do, but it's you who should tell me things. I am moving deeper into the wilds now, but still have hope to see you when I will be back. At least the others are alright...

It hurts to see him like this. I feel lost in a sea of pain, grief, and guilt. We lost a dear friend tonight, he was like a little brother to me, even if he was over twice my age. It’s what he meant to Aeruthuil that makes it even harder. They were best friends. C.. was the rock that Aeru leaned against when things got hard.

I'd like to put in here my good news, but I fear there is a dark cloud over it that may throw me into a sea of pain.

Girlfriend… Girl friend,  a girl that is a friend? No, a lover. What do I know of having a lover, let alone loving someone? All I can say is that this is the first man that has ever made me think. Really think, for once, about what I want in a future. Do I want a child? Can I even give him a child? If he were to ask me to marry him, would I say yes? These things swirl around in my mind nightly until I feel the weight of him beside me, then it all comes clear.