Several hours had passed since Tiverton was captured and robbed by the brigands upon the road. To most within the camp, the hobbit remained bound and starved and of very little interest to the villains. Little did they know that he sat with Tutt, one of their own, drafting a letter to a farmer’s daughter.
"So tell me" said Tiverton, dipping his reclaimed quill into a pot of ink.
"Tell you what?" asked Tutt
"It would help for me to know what you would like to say to this woman of yours" said Tiverton, hand at the ready to begin writing.
"Well..." said Tutt, scratching the stubble upon his chin "That she's right proper and I love her."
Tiverton stared at Tutt, somewhat taken aback by his captor. By all means, he did not expect poetry. But this would not do at all. "Why don't we start with an introduction, something to build up the main event?"
"Like what?" asked Tutt, hanging on Tiverton's every word.
"Romance. Romance must never be rushed. I am no expert, but I have read my fair share of books in that genre. There must be a... exposition, of sorts. A rising action and then..."
"The punch!" shouted Tutt, over enthusiastically.
"Precisely" said Tiverton, placing the tip of his quill to the paper. As he wrote, he spoke aloud. "Dearest Olivia. I write to you with words that I have harboured for some time. Words too great in meaning to be simply said in passing."
"Oh, I like that!" said Tutt, clapping his hands together whilst sitting cross-legged on the ground like a child expecting a treat.
"For many moons have I watched you from afar" continued Tiverton, ignoring the outburst. "For every waking moment my mind is fixated upon your beauty, your grace and your presence".
Tutt, who evidently struggled to understand what the vast majority of these words meant furrowed his brow. He did not question the hobbit, however. For his vocabulary was one that made even the scruffiest of brigands listen intently.
"It is my desire, therefore..." continued Tiverton, "That we meet."
"Meet!?" shouted Tutt, who quickly lowered his voice to add in a hushed tone "Meet? I don't know about that..."
"Well, what did you expect?" asked Tiverton, pausing upon the page. "Surely you intend to meet her once the letter is delivered, otherwise what's the point?"
"I mean..." Tutt continued, rubbing the back of his neck. "She's so beautiful and I'm..."
"A mess? Disgusting? Vile to behold?" said Tiverton, coolly.
"Oi, I'll have none of that!" barked Tutt, clenching his fists.
"Sorry, I was just thinking aloud" said Tiverton, placing the quill down and inspecting his would-be client. "But let's be honest with ourselves, we need to do something about your general appearance if you are to woo this woman."
"Like what?" asked Tutt.
"I mean no disrespect, but you look as rough as a badgers arse."
"I'm warning you, Halfling!"
"Would you prefer I speak to you candidly or lie to your face? It is in my best interest that you succeed in your endeavour so that I am set free, not to mention the return of my coin. So listen to me and take note."
For the next hour or so Tiverton gave Tutt a set of instructions. The first was to bring a shaving razor and mirror to the tent. Whether these two luxury items were hard to find within a brigands camp was up for debate. But somehow, as if by a miracle, he returned with a reflective shard and a barber’s blade. Whilst Tutt went about shaving the stubble and washing the dirt from his face, Tiverton continued his letter whilst reading aloud.
"I eagerly await your response and shall wait hopefully on the boarders of your farm. I hope that this letter finds you well and that we shall behold each other beneath the stars."
Having cut himself in several places, a bloody Tutt nodded and turned to Tiverton. The brigand looked five to ten years younger, but still by no means a sight to behold. He held up a pair of scissors, offering them to the hobbit. "You've got to do my hair".
Tiverton raises his eyebrows at this. "I've been promoted from scribe to barber?"
"Listen, if you help me pull this off you'll get more than your coin back, I promise you that."
