- written in Haradrim -
I left the house early this morning, before Leoffrith had even woken from his slumber. My feet carried me down the road, to the little cottage that sat at the base of the hill. When I bought our home in Napgrove it was empty, and it was still empty today. I peered in the windows and walked around the yard and sat on the porch for a while. I'd been thinking about it for ages now, but I hadn't brought up the idea to Leoffrith yet. I don't know how he would react. I don't think he would be angry, but things are so tense right now, and I don't want to shake an otherwise very solid foundation.
After I sat on the empty porch for a while, I stripped myself of my dress and went into the lake. We live in such a quiet and a rather remote place tucked away in the very back and away from prying eyes, I wasn't worried about anything. Swimming had always helped me gather my thoughts whenever I felt my mind crowded, but it did not help me this time. I didn't expect my honeymoon, as Leoffrith calls it, to be so tense and sad. I don't blame my husband, and I'm not mad at him. It's just really not what I expected, and I would lie if I said I didn't feel some sort of resentment. Not towards him or anyone in particular, but it's just... there.
Blid and Maddoct and Maurr are gone and I feel as if I have no one to talk to. Any letter I write to them would take ages, and I would not even know where to write it, for I don't know how long in each place they will be staying. I've thought about calling on dear Taite, but we are not the best of friends, and I think I would find it rude if someone called on me only because they needed to find a source to deliver their secret feelings to. I have not seen Israa since the day after the wedding, and I have no idea where she has gone. I just feel so terribly alone, and you shouldn't feel so alone right after you've been married. And even if I were to find a friend to confess my feelings to, it is the wisdom and understanding of my dwarven friends that I seek.
I feel so silly and so selfish. I cannot talk to my husband about it, for he will then feel incredibly guilty, and I do not want him to feel that way. We can't control tragic events that happen out of our reach, and yet he will blame himself for my unhappiness anyway. He asked me why I did not want to start seeing patients again, and I did not have a real reason why that I could put into words. My mind has felt so dark lately, I do not trust myself to see things that I usually would. I said that it was a bad time, that we were trying to have our own littles, as he calls them. But now he acts as if he is too scared to even touch me, and somehow I feel as if that is my fault.
Soon I will return to the house, but I will linger by the little empty cottage for a while longer and dry off from my swim in the lake. Perhaps, after Leoffrith goes on to work, I will walk to Bree and spend some time in the market, or perhaps I will come across Cesistya and sit with her for a while.
