I don't want to do this.
I should have told him "no". He didn't really ask, though, whether I wanted his help or not. He just...well, he didn't offer it, either. It was just made up in his mind. I didn't have a say in it. Did I?
I've been content with the way things were. Happy, even. Leave the past alone and let it lie. So what if I don't remember a chunk of time? Not likely there's anything pleasant to remember about it, is there? It's going to be something awful. Why would I want to bring back awful memories? Just when I've been feeling so much more myself again?
I can remember things farther back. Isn't that good enough? Damn Crow. There's something not right about him. I can't figure out what it is. I wrote yesterday that I don't know really know him at all, and now it's becoming all too clear how true that is. He's like some rare creature from a faraway place; it's so beautiful and interesting, you can't look away from it, but it's got a mind to whip out its claws and gouge out your eyes if you aren't careful.
I don't really believe he's dangerous, do I? To me?
...I don't think I do. I'd rather say "Absolutely not, he would never hurt me."
Only a fool says such things. Look how Rowan hurt me. He was sorry a year later, sure, but that doesn't take away the scars he left, now does it? Doesn't matter how much you love a person. Finding one that you really, truly, completely can say will never hurt you is...well, it's rare.
Course, there is a difference between someone bruising your heart, and someone being unsafe to be around.
I can't refuse to go now, though. That is, I could, but...
Maybe I just don't care enough for my life to worry that he might do something harmful. Maybe somewhere deep inside, I want to remember what happened in the woods (but I don't think so). Maybe I pathetically want to connect with another human being again. It's been a long time since I felt close to anyone. Maybe some stupid part of me wants to give him a chance to be kind.
A few days, he said, to replace the arrowhead. How is he even managing that? I didn't have the sense to follow him, to ask how he would do it. Odd man. Smoothly flirting one moment, frowning the next, banging his fist on the table and then sweeping out the door.
Gods, I don't want to do this. But it's going to happen, isn't it. I should find him, tell him to feck off, and just walk away. Why give another person the chance to steer my life, to lead me about like a senseless lamb? Another chance to give a tinker's damn about someone and then they'll vanish. So smart, Narys. So bloody smart, aren't you.
