I am conflicted.
The past few days have been unusual. I've had more guests than I'm used to and now I've agreed to go hunting. I'm still not certain why the man has asked me to go, even after I informed him that I'm no hunter and have no experience in that field. He added that it was to break me away from my work and I'm confident that social bonding was part of his reason. This motive gives me more questions than answers. We've only talked a few times in the past, barely acquainted and I don't believe I've much to offer a man of his status.
I'm no warrior, adventurer or hunter. I see no thrill in throwing my life into the maws of danger.
The whole idea brings me unsettling thoughts. While I doubt he's a man to drag another to the woods for harm, an unfamiliar voice within my mind questions his reasons and suggest it may be pity.
In the past few days, I've started to question myself, lingering on thoughts that haven't bothered me in the past. I'm still uncertain whether it's because of the week of fever that those thoughts surfaced, or because of the company I kept during that time.
I caught my reflection and I felt repulsed by what I saw, I've looked around myself and found obsession, then upon sitting in company of late, while listening to their wisdom and stories, I felt shame.
I've found myself distracted with doubts about my manhood, I recall myself asking work of women when it shouldn't be their chore, but my own. I'm in contempt.
His question broke something that I need to rebuilt. Asking what was wrong, I couldn't answer right away, because I was uncertain what part he meant. This is not the first time I'm asked this question, but the answers have always been different, depending whether people are asking about feelings or insanity.
I'm offered to hunt and all I can think about is what work I can bring and what plants I can find to restock my supplies for the winter. Why does it feel that the man laughs my way behind closed doors? It's unsettling.
It's maybe why I find myself here yet again. To put all this in ink, close the book and put it away, find normality again. Remove these questions and condemnation, I'm tired of both.
The child has been placed under his, and his staff's, care. Thankfully so. I'm not good with children, I don't know how to speak with them or act around them. I only examine them when they're ill or injured, their parents and guardians meant to calm them down and offer care. I avoided the use of the girl's name, it's better that she doesn't get attached and feel like coming here again. The dwarf might want to visit her, but I wonder if he'll turn too caring for her. If my suspicions are correct, the girl will likely be placed in a foster home.
He's left for his journey and I find myself still unsettled by it, a change that came too soon and I feel like I didn't prepare for it. I don't know why. It's as if some safety I had grown used to has been taken, yet I can't answer why, what or how.
I blame the fever. It's not unheard that the heat alters the mind, make it disorientated and hard to understand. My fever has gone and it's now just a matter of time until everything is as it should be. With luck, this session will bring an end to it sooner and these thoughts can be set aside, buried or just forgotten all together.
