Found:
The saddle! The road! Freedom!
I hate goodbyes. I have always avoided them. More to the point, I have always avoided the need to utter such a word. When there's naught to hold you back, there's naught to say goodbye to.
That was my life. Untethered. Unchained. Unburdened by the weight of other people's feelings and needs. Unfettered by their inevitable disappointment. That was the way of things. Go to a new town, trade for what I needed, sell my relics if I could, rest if necessary, learn what was required and have a little fun before moving on. Never look back. Never return. Never form attachments.
That is how it should have stayed.
I am an imperfect creature. I have always known this to be true. I have made mistakes. I have ducked when I should have weaved. I have fled when I should have stood my ground. I have held back when I should have pushed forward and continued onward when I should have walked away. I chose to retrace our steps from the Door of Durin, leading to the death of Yarassi. I dithered over the notion of adopting Aidennan, worrying over how I could possibly take care of someone so young and still live my life, of how I could possibly pretend to be a mother when I myself never had one to show me the way. I walked into the night, ill-prepared, untried, untrained and with nothing much of use, content to turn my back and leave behind that which had oppressed and abused me for so long. I should have stayed. I should have burned the farmhouse to the ground with everyone still abed. I should have watched the flames turn to ash, taking my freedom through force and in permanence instead of...
What's done is done and cannot be undone. This rings as true for the occurrences of yesteryear as it does for only days gone by.
What rings most true to me on this particular day is that I really need to leave Bree-land. My preparations complete, there is naught left to hold me here save the wishes of those I leave behind and that cannot be allowed to halt me in my tracks. If ever I am to truly move forward, I have to face my past. My present is ever a tenuous thing, if less so than once it was.
Those here with whom I have, against my better judgment and often unwittingly, formed some measure of a bond would have me return one day. I question the wisdom of doing so, just as i question my own desire to revisit these people, to look upon these familiar faces in the future, to tell them that "It's over," that "I did it!"
To that end, and perhaps with an underlying and supreme foolishness, I now turn my feet to the north, instead of the south which beckons so readily. I've a contact in another land who may be able to aid me in realising a project. He may or may not be trustworthy. He may or may not do as I request. Time will tell in that regard. It is a risk I am willing to take, even if it has been formed on a whim!
I passed through Trestlebridge this morning. A fraught and uncomfortable experience, as I knew it would be. Although I kept my head down and my hood up, I could no sooner escape the stares, the grateful faces, the undeserved thanks from the local men and women than I could when I was brought here by my saviour so many months ago.
Dagramir, my dear rogue. I wish I could say that I was sorry to leave you behind, but I am not. It is better this way. It is better that we part as we did and not as we could. It is easier on both of us, I think. If ever I am to truly put behind me the foolish feelings I harbour for that man, then best that we do not encourage them to linger further!
What I do now, I know that I do for the right reasons, not only for myself but for three others. What I do now, I know is frowned upon by those whose opinions I have come to value. Perhaps, if I return, they will see that I was ultimately correct. Perhaps, as I hope, the weight of my childhood will finally be lifted from my shoulders, allowing me to face my ever-uncertain future with more confidence.
I know that I should be happy. I know that I should laugh and sing as I walk. I know that I should feel excitement, but all I feel now is trepidation. Will I lose that which I have left behind? Will I survive, mentally, emotionally or physically, that which I am due to face?
Do not think on these things, Silver. Do not worry your mind with matters that cannot be resolved today. Live in the moment as you have always done. Find your freedom first upon the road and then within your heart and mind.
Onwards. To whatever comes. To whatever tomorrow brings.
Onwards.
