Home is supposed to be where you lay your head. Where at the end of the day you go, Where you feel comfortable. Surrounded by loved ones, friends, brothers. A man defends his home. But what happens when a man has no home? When he is cut adrift on the whispering wind. No roots anywhere. I cannot connect. The Mark holds no appeal to me anymore. I yearn never again to linger on those grassy plains longer than neccessary. Almost as much as I wish to leave and never again think of the afflictions I have suffered in the Bree-lands. I'm a wanderer, I always have been. Gondor was new to me, Gondor was fresh. I never wanted to come back.
Where is my home? Is it with The Bloody Dawn, I feel little connection except through the dead Captain and his daughter. I have been made very welcome but I feel caged, Just as I do in every aspect of my life. What I sought. I begin to believe that it doesn't exist.
This bottle in my hand, The clothes that I wear. My blades. Props, one and all. I feel... No attachment, to any of it. I linger upon this Middle-Earth day by day. I feel no kinship with this theatre troupe my lover seems to have formed either. I've spent the odd night among them. I cannot speak of these thoughts to her. I am lost. I know it. She knows it. Honesty hurts her.
Today, I almost gave myself into the Watch. Almost. I want to be free, I want them all to know the truth. Tonight, I find myself on the road to the Forsaken Inn. I shall stay there, and drink a while.
Is it too late now to back out, or has this gone too far now. Will she be crushed as I am crushed?
She was supposed to be traveling with me. But she cannot take it, I cannot take it. She's better off without you. You knew this. When you first began to entertain this game. I began this journal with the title new beginnings. Perhaps it should have been entitled Yet another false dawn. Is this love but a lonesome lie, Doomed to failure?
The control she took from me, I cannot get it back, The choices before me grow starker each waking hour.
She claims she wants to understand me yet every time I try to give voice to my innermost thoughts. It seems she cannot take it.
She cannot handle the weight, I should never have expected her to.
I want an end to this one way or another. Here, there are only bad memories. Here, there is only pain.
