Today Lord Estarfin recognized me, which is something. We dare not allow him any liberty, having no trust in him, he being in much perplexity and confusion. As far as anyone else can see, he is just like everybody else in the city, and wears no longer his green gem circlet or his black armour, but is clad in a simple white robe. He is very neat and clean in appearance, and we see that his hair is combed smooth, and Lord Estarfin seems outwardly calm and pleasant. But all he must do is open his mouth and speak, and what words fall out show his true self! I have taken the rest of his money and jewels from him, along with a plain longsword that some idiot merchant sold him, which I buried under a flowerbed, lest he do himself or someone else a hurt. Lord Estarfin is looking mighty pale and haggard, and very weak and dispirited he must be, to allow me to take his things away and to steer him around as I do, for he hath become most indecisive in mind, and cannot decide if he would rather sit or stand when asked, so I must decide for him.
The proud warrior hath greatly changed, and he is no longer willful, contentious, and impatient; no longer doth he wear his bitter sneer, and speak his usual angry words to me, and all pride seems to have been robbed from him, along with his purpose and reason. Yet he seems happy when looking at the stars, and to see the wonderment on his face at the first star-kindling is to think that he is fresh come into the world! - but he doth not seem to be in the world, though he is of it; and I fear he will be leaving it very soon, if he will not eat anything. He said that food hath lost its flavour, and he can only drink water and a little wine. I offered him some fruit, for that is very good to eat when one’s stomach is empty, but he refused all but a tiny bite of a cherry, and it near choked him. So I fed him more of the sleeping-wine that the Lady Danel had me prepare, and it was not long before he was stretched out on the ground, looking like a corpse in a death-shroud, and his face nearly as pale as his robe.
It is no wonder he is so tired, and murmurs and twitches in his sleep; an empty stomach is not good for proper rest. Lady Danel said he dreams of past battle, and it hath made him sore distressed for the acts of his life. Perhaps he sees the faces of all those whom he fought against. These memories are like ill weeds grown up in his old and troubled heart, and have choked out his sense. It is sad to think that this weakness of Lord Estarfin hath arisen from war and service; and keeps him from returning to that which he loves and must be missing. Though he never speaks of it, and doth not complain, this affliction is pain and misery for him; but methinks it is even more distressful to see by those who know him well, and the Lady Danel said he would despise himself, if he knew what hath come upon him. But I do not mind his company. Tomorrow we will sit and count the leaves in the trees, so that we may rightly discern their number, or I shall find some other trivial and pointless task to keep him busy, and keep his thoughts from wandering away down dark paths; and if I can find someone to make some marrow-bone soup, he will have proper sustenance and then he will be able to think. Lord Estarfin needs more than water and wine.
