Neyaa

I was told by Taala that Seaver is upset with me. His reasons, I have not been by to see him. Aye, for some time after I met Aeruthuil (Aeru) I chose to not go around him. Is that not what most women do when they discover love?

One fine bottle of Dalish whiskey, and a small keg of very difficult to procure Kingsmead in these times of war. My gifts to my friends for their wedding celebration. I am caught up with the books I am pleased to report. Freedom at last. The Mayor can have his taxes now that I can be certain exactly what he is owed and be damned.

I know not what to say, twice now have I expected damaging confrontations. I write hastily to sum up goings on because although my work is diminishing it is not yet diminished enough for my tastes. 

Potentially wounding words there might have been and at least some form of anger or reprisal directed my way and twice I have been disappointed by my expectations. A good thing, you might say.

No rest for the wicked it seems, I must confess dear reader since my return there has been a stack of parchment mounting upon my desk. Problems with my suppliers, issues which need to be addressed and that have needed my personal attention. Whilst the Inn has run itself smoothly the wagons that have been on the road have been running a little slack in my absence, causing delays on both ends. I need to smooth matters over with not just the suppliers but the buyers also. This is unacceptable.

It feels peculiar to have shorn hair once again. The fire is burning to keep out the winter chill. I do not know why I rode into town the nights past. Only so long you can pace the confines of your study. What to occupy myself with I wonder. There's only so long you can do the books and I would hardly proclaim crossing the i's and dotting the t's and toiling over pages brimming with numbers my idea of leisure. No, I needed to get out of there.

I close my eyes and I can see seas of green as far as the eye can see. Fields of corn, the smell of honeycakes freshly baked as Mother oft used to bake. But they are but a distant memory, vivid as they are. The golden hall of Meduseld standing proud and tall over the horizon. The farmhands, my elder brother. Father. The girl over yonder riding her horse over the tall grassland. No doubt headed into Edoras as she so often did.

I am beginning to question the usefulness of you oh journal of mine.

Night after night I open you up, put ink to pen. And I sit. My mind a muddle of conflicting thoughts as always it is. Never is it simple. How I long for clarity. Instead, I sit here conducting fully fledged debates inside my head as I have so often in this book. Contradictory as my conclusions can be from one minute to the next.

Is there not a place in this Middle Earth that is not tainted by my memories? I felt it in the Forsaken Inn. As I sat there in the gloom night after night and sunk enough mead to numb my senses to the world last summer. Unbeknown to me that my lover would soon get her dues for the trouble she brought upon herself. I knew it would happen eventually. I knew she wasn't good for me. I knew how that story ended. Yet I carried on with the charade anyway. She should have died by my hand the moment she read of my secrets. They were mine and mine to share alone.

I almost did not bring you, book. Nor any writing implements. I must take care not to wake the woman by my side. She keeps stirring, and I do not wish to have to explain your existence. It is an unusually quiet night in the Trollshaws but that in itself is ominous, I find I cannot rest, the memories of this place. The bank of the Hoarwell. They keep me awake.

The hill which houses the great hall once founded by a man I respected very much stands overlooking the whole village from it's vantage point. Even my house. There are many in this place that know me, or know of me. So why, did you then choose to reside in this place. As ever, I feel a pull in two different directions. One tugs me southwards in the direction of those Southern shores. But I also feel a desire to remain close by certain individuals. I informed the Captain's daughter of my desire for the former. I often feel as though I am a man with nothing left here.