I cannot decide whether I am justified for this or not. My wife has found a calling, as she often does, and decided to leave with it. Not leave me, at least I should hope not. Time to her is not as set in stone as it is to me.
But she did leave...maybe not in terms of matrimony or love, but physically. I feel stupid and selfish for having been so cold to her when she departed, and yet I find myself searching for regret rather than finding regret easy. I should not have been so harsh, but I felt harshly treated, I felt the need to defend myself on a basis of emotion. I was cold...I am cold. I still feel that cold like a needle, thin as a wire, surging at the center of my heart. It hurts. Everything hurts without her.
I feel justified...in one sense. We were wed, and yet I still have yet to spend a day of my life, a full day of my life feeling like I am a man married. Where is the love and passion that I always was thought to be entailed with it? Where is the feeling of peace and joy that I find myself so helplessly chasing? Why must it be this way? Did I simply think stupid and marriage is nothing more than a bond on paper, or am I right? Am I wrong? Did I expect too much? (The next three words are desperately fresher than the other dried ink, as if they would fix it.) I am wrong.
I do not never find my wife to be wrong. I was going to admit seldom but...well I'd be lying to no one but me and a piece of parchment in a journal. It's my fault...as most often everything is. Maybe this is punishment, maybe it is recompense for all the hurt.
Maybe it is more than just my fault. Maybe it is my being. Maybe if I had just been better she would not have gone off. Maybe if I was more worthy I would have been worth more than the cause she found.
It has been an hour. My flask is empty. I hate where I am and what I'm about to do. I miss her, and I wish I was better. I wish I had said goodbye and kissed her...What if I never get to again?
