There are some who say that writing things down is cathartic. An outlet for our inner thoughts, dreams, fears, and desires. And that, after things have been put to the page, one's spirit is lightened and freer. I do not think I have found this to be true. At least, not for me. Still, there is some value in writing things down. I find it It allows me to keep a log of sorts, of memories and events in my life.
I need to write to my dear kinsmen in Bancross soon. I have not heard from them in return, but that is no surprise. Letters are a rare thing across the Riddermark, and the road is long and treacherous between us. Yet I would have them know I am still alive and well. And more than that. That I feel I should remain here for the present. I miss them terribly, and I long to know that they are all safe and content. But the shadow and the ghost that followed me for so many years, and that drew me back to the north, is something I am still contending with. At long last. I do not know how or when I may feel free to return south, but I will not be harried into it.
I saw a very old acquaintance yesterday. The man I knew as Sigfread, so many years ago. The man who guided me through the wilds as I searched for Tothrandir. What a peculiar thing, to see that name written down. Like the memory of a memory, it has been pushed so far from my mind. The man's true name is Atharann. We sat and talked for a little while over drinks. A most surprising revelation came to light; that he knows Ryheric as well. I think the latter must have crossed paths with half of Middle-earth's populace in one shape or another. Atharann mentioned the caravan, and seemed to want to sway me into joining. I told him a little of my thoughts towards Ryheric. My dilemma. He was gracious and understanding, and I was thankful for that.
I have also seen Tarsorel again, here in Bree. He is walking with a cane, and said he was injured by arrows during the rescue of Sicarra's child, Salin. I felt horrid with shame that I did not remember noticing him being injured that day. Yes, there was much happening, and many people coming and going, but how did I miss that someone was wounded? But beyond the hurts, he seems to be in good spirits, if a little grim, and doing well with some business affairs here in town. As for his recovery, I mentioned Cesistya's name. I feel a little guilty at times, for sending people to her. I hope I never cause her trouble or bother by doing so. I only know that she is the kindest and most generous of souls, and if ever I suffered an ailment, I would trust her with my life.
Of the company, the only other I have seen for the past few months is Emma, and that only once, and briefly. She delivered two letters to myself and to Tarsorel, from Ryheric. There was some tension in the air between Emma and Tarsorel. I do not know the cause of it, and Emma would not speak of it. She seemed her usual self to me; kind, gracious, but solemn. But I did not like the feeling of whatever was "off" between these two. I do not like secrets, nor do I abide them, particularly between friends. I do not like things unsaid when it causes hearts to hurt and fester and grow bitter. There were hints and pieces of things, but nothing said openly, and it left me feeling bewildered and anxious. I have not felt that way since I left Herne, and I was not at all pleased to feel it in the air again.
I do not know what the contents were of Tarsorel's letter, but perhaps they were like to mine. A short detail of when the caravan to the south would be departing, and that I could come if I wished to.
It's funny. Even with how we parted ways, I never doubted that Ryheric would keep his word on this. The letter wasn't needed, but I felt glad simply to hear from him again. Emma was kind enough to tell me that he is safe and well. Atharann said the same. That is a weight off my shoulders.
I would like to see him face to face before the caravan departs, assuming I may not be a part of it. But I do not know how or when or where this may take place. Or if it will take place at all. Or if it should take place.
I have felt more at ease, more at home, and more like myself over the past two months, than I think I felt for the past several years. I needed to reconnect to what I had lost. Not only Conrob, but the friends I loved so dearly, who were such a part of my life. I do not wish to part from Cesistya and Baldmar. They are not only remnants of the happiness I once cherished, but companions of the truest nature. I love them both. I am not ready or willing to say goodbye to them.
Ever since I left Rohan when I was just a girl on the cusp of womanhood, my heart has been in two places. And it has never been completely whole again. I think it may never be. I think my days may be such that I must follow a wandering road between my two "homes". And this is a thought that I do not despise.
For now, I will not fret over the future. I will deal with today. And today, I must get myself dressed and down to the stables to begin my chores.
