Found:
It's been a few weeks now since I left Bree. There's a few weeks left to go before I make it to Erebor. At present, I'm camped in a snow drift in the bloody mountains. I hate the snow. I hate the cold. I hate... pretty much everything right now.
Ryheric wanted me to think upon that kiss along my journey. I told him that I probably wouldn't, but it seems that he won that round. I apparently have little choice but to consider it. How can I not?
Before it, I felt... nothing. Not really. Oh, there was pain, there was sorrow. Overwhelmingly so, to the point that I was unutterably numb. But that one little act served to be a catalyst.
Initially, I felt guilt. Guilt for betraying Rowan. Guilt for indulging a need for contact when he lies in ashes. Guilt for not having been with him, for not being with him now. Guilt for allowing another man to kiss me so. Goaded into it or not, guilt for initiating it. I could have said no. I could have told Ryheric to go put his lips on a donkey's arse instead, but I didn't. I made the conscious decision to kiss the man, and I enjoyed it, which only made me feel worse about it all!
Shame quickly turned to anger. Now I'm angry all the damn time! I can't turn it off, I can't push it away. I'm just furious! At Rowan, at myself, at the world and everything in it that served to make our time together so difficult and so fucking short! I'm angry that my journey thus far has been utterly uneventful. No ambush, no brigands, no goblins or wargs, or threats of any kind. There's nothing. Not a single thing to punch or kick or bite! It's frustrating. Where are the bastards when you need them? Keeping a low profile just to piss me off even more, apparently.
I want to scream! I can feel it there, lurking at the back of my throat. Not a good plan where a loud sound could cause a frigging avalanche, but the urge remains all the same.
I can't contain it, but I can't take it out on anything either! I feel like I'm going to burst into flame from the sheer pressure of it!
I suppose, if I did, then at least I'd be warm.
