Elias sat by the fire, as he had been doing for the past couple of days, to help keep himself warm. A strange chill had remained in his body and the only source of heat was there, by the hearth.
He held the silver ring between his fingers, turning it and studying closely and his mind began to wander once more. The past couple of days had been decent in regards to his health, with Maddoct keeping an eye on him, Kitrhi busy making certain the man ate and Aeruthuil possibly keeping the doctor's mind from collapsing under its own weight.
As he turned the band again, it glinted with the reflection of the flickering flame, the man's thoughts turning to the ideas of what could have been.
What he might have been if his father hadn't decided the path for him at an early age. If his brother would still be alive, if the man didn't have the need to prove himself. If his mother had remained sane, if there had never been any loss.
If any of these had been, would he even be here?
If the doctor had learned to interact with people as is considered normal, how different would things be? The man's brows arched higher as he let the ring fall down the bony index finger. If things had been different, would he perhaps be preparing for a wedding? Would things still have gone the same? Would he be where he was now? Endless questions and what ifs, but no answers to be found.
Elias' hand closed, the fingers pressed into the palm of his hand, warding the ring from falling and getting lost; his attention turning to the letter on the table. The one that she had sent him.
Elias wasn't certain when it had arrived, but what it had said now sat with him and it brought forth confusion, the same one he had buried when she left. How could a woman promise herself to a man and yet declare she loved another? Why had she written this? The man sighed, looking towards the window as he heard the heavy drops of rain suddenly striking the glass outside. He wondered if his neighbours were doing alright? Whether some would have been better off never having known him? If he should have built his infirmary in another place.
If he hadn't been curious that day to what she was doing, would she be happier now? Could it have been less complicated? Would it even have been anything at all?
He wanted to write back to her, but still found himself unable to and couldn't determine the cause. The doctor had tried time and time again, but his penmanship was nothing more than a five year old's scribble. What if this was permanent? What if his ability to read would go next? What if his mind was dying and he'd turn into a simpleton, someone who'd need constant care and attention. Elias shuddered at the thought, shaking his head.
If the materials he had been using for his alchemical studies were the cause of this all, had he chosen wrong to follow this path? But then, he remembered, he was never given a choice.
An odd bitterness rose within him at the thought. What would he have grown up to be if he had been given the will to choose? How would his mind work? Did he have any interest outside what he had learned from the doctor?
Elias frowned. The question had been asked many times before during his stay here, but he had no answer. What did he have outside his work that was not related to others around him?
Did he have a hobby? Did he have a favorite book? Have any activity outside his infirmary? He couldn't recall a favorite food item, drink, song or even a favorite colour.
The man sank slowly into his seat, maybe this was all he was after all? A hollow shell of information and nothing more. Even then, it wasn't impressive. Everyone could learn, the doctor was no more interesting than the chickens that had learned to come when called or the dog that knew how to sit on command.
Could he have had something more than he does, or would the outcome be the same? Would he still sit here, feeling that his life had been wasted?
