I slept, a lot, with the three of them refusing to leave till I passed out proper. They still know nothing, but when they be looking at me, they know it is something, and somethings unsaid are normally only one of a few things. I don't want them to find out. The last thing I be needing is an all out fight on me hands. If it were to come out, I know what I'd do.
He is an idiot, knowing books ain't the same as knowing people. You don't tell a lass that comes to you with an upset stomach that she might be with child, your child, then send her off on her way with something to kill that kiddie because the pair of you ain't together, even if she didn't even think she were with child! All I went there for was for Evans ointment and bandages! He went and put blimming doubts in me mind, scaring the life out of me. I've chewed his blimming seeds, every day, taken -that- worry from his mind! Horrible things they be too! I wrote to him, told him it were done so he didn't have to be wondering if he be having a kid running at his heels come next spring. Told him off too for not telling me the risks. Maddoct be very good though, he were careful, him and Mister Bild explaining everything. Alright, I'm still angry, I admit that, and I think I'll be angry a long while now. Every time I be hurting myself to try and save him from being hurt. When he were frustrated at me because I were trying to learn from his books, I left. When I ended up being stuck in that bloody soothery because I were seriously ill and Miss Sol were being horrible? I left to spare him stress! Leaving that bloody trip because of wanting him not to worry about Rue trying to start fights with me. Breaking up because I saw she were more important to him than I were. I hate what he has turned me into. He's selfish, he don't recognise what other folk do for him, and now he be left with them who have been bitter, nasty and cruel, or folk who always want something from him, his coin, body, what there is of it anyway. Always telling him he needs to change, to go out, get drunk or kill animals. I never asked anything of that man other than to have a night alone on a trip together.
I'm going out with Quentin tomorrow, he made me promise, I just hope that nothing happens because of these bloody seeds, that'll be more questions to answer then. At least I get to see the goats, that'll be nice, just wish these cramps would stop. They said it would be like this, but I need the air on me skin now. Maybe this be his way of trying to pin me down to find out what happened. I can't tell Quentin, I saw him with Jack, it would be bad, thing is Elias wouldn't even understand why he were angry with him. All I have ever wanted for that git of a man were his happiness, and he even got irritated at me for saying that. I told him it didn't even have to be with me as long as he were happy! Though I be worried now, if this does get out, for all me hatred for him right now, I wouldn't like to see him on the receiving end of that lads temper.
