Faded memories of someone I'll never know

A flood of memories came over me last night. I stood and watched the Lhûn flow by outside of Celondim. As the water roared past me, it felt like I drifted away. The stars were shimmering more then usual, the moon was shining as bright as the sun itself; and within the river, images appeared in front of my eyes.



It showed me the Havens. It was just like coming home on a sunny day. My father is working on the shore, eagerly building the ship that will soon carry him and mother away across the seas. Mother looked so peaceful as she watched the sea, and a wave of longing came over me as well. Then, darkness came and day turned to night, the sun sunk into the sea while the moon rises, faster then ever before, as if time had lost its meaning. It is night. Trees are forming before my eyes, and their branches move quickly to the sides, making a way through the forest, which leads me into the glade.
She is there, dancing around as usual, but she is wearing different clothes now - a dress I only saw once, on the day she left. It is a light red, a shade of pink perhaps, and golden embroideries adorns the neckline and the arms. A twig is entangled, as if nested, into her golden hair and her eyes are a sparkling blue-white, much alike the very stars themselves. Wait... Golden hair? No...was it really golden...?



Without thinking further, I am marching forward; with clenched fists and heavy steps. Upon my arrival, she raises her hand and looks at me, which makes me stop suddenly, as if freezing to the spot. I cannot see her face clearly. I’m standing still while she keeps on dancing, faster and faster, until her movements almost makes her become one with the nature around us. A shadow quickly runs past me, and then another. And another. Shadows everywhere.

I look behind me for just one second, trying to see what is moving. When I turn my eyes forward again, she suddenly stands there, right in front of me. Still, I cannot see the face. It is shrouded in the shadows, even at this range. Her golden...no, dark...?... hair is shifting heavily in the wind; a few strands of hair touches my face and  before I know it, she lays her arms around my neck and kisses me gently upon my lips, leaving a lingering sensation that seems to stretch for eternity. Then I close my eyes, and when I open them again, she is gone, like a flash of a memory.



I am still in the forest, surrounded by large, heavy trees that almost seems threatening. Dark branches are reaching towards me, the leaves are rattling in the wind and a shadow moves around me once again. I cannot move. Not even scream. Somehow I manage to close my eyes again, if only for a moment. Upon opening my eyelids, the sun suddenly stings my eyes and I can only see a very bright light for a few seconds. Meanwhile I hear the sea roar and birds twitter, and the unmistakable sound of someone working with wood. Father.



”Cirdamir”, he calls. ”Come here.” Still filled with questions and confusion, I do not respond and merely looks at him. I already know what he wishes to tell me, we had this conversation long ago. Within the blink of an eye, the scene changes again. I find myself standing on the pier, with my younger brother beside me. He says nothing, but I get the feeling he is at peace with father and mother leaving, as their ship sets course for the open sea. I look around the area, should not Lothiavien be here too? I can't see her anywhere. Father and mother stands proudly in the ship he built and cared for over the years, and they are holding each others hands and appear to be happier then ever before. They both smile at us and mothers voice echo in my ears; ”Navaer, no celin idh raid lîn a no adel len i chwest!”, as the ship goes further and further away. They have finally found the way home, and I can almost taste their joy.



Another ship sails into my view, a ship I do not wish to see. For there she stands, silently waving her hand at me, with a sad smile on her lips. But still, I cannot see her face clearly. As the sun is setting, the ships vanishes on the horizon. My brother puts his hand on my shoulder, and I put my hand on his in return. I say, ”Now it is just you and me, brother.” He nods and I close my eyes. As I open them again, he is gone.

A drop of water lands on my head, and soon after a heavy rain commences. I sit down, too tired and  with no motivation to find shelter. I let the rain fall and drench my hair and garments, and I could not care less. I sit there for hours, days, and the rain never stops. Somehow, I come to think of an old song my mother used to recite when she was feeling down. It’s about a tree, a tree that desperately tries to reach the sky.



I see a tree standing there

Its roots deep in the earth

and the branches stretched

towards the sky



I have a tree inside of me

Its roots deep in the past

and the branches fumbling

towards the future



She also used to say, ”Let your tree grow, Cirdamir.” I never fully understood what she meant until now. Even with roots that goes as deep as the foundations of the earth, a tree can still grow. And its branches can reach the sky, if you just let it grow.



I close and open my eyes again. The stars over Falathlorn have almost faded away, and in the east a faint ray of light reaches over the mountain tops. I am back at the Lhûn, sitting on my knees in the mud at the riverbank. In front of me grows a red flower. I am not sure if it was there earlier, but I carefully touch it and lets its sweet scent transfer to my fingertips. I am still thinking of her. But even in my memories, I cannot see her. As if she never existed at all.



As I force myself to stand up on stiff legs, I whisper quietly;

”...All this... It’s just faded memories of someone I’ll never know.”