Found:
The floor! Hah!
I've begun to walk! It's not fast and it's not far - perhaps a few steps at most - but I can carry my own weight, unsupported, briefly before I fall flat on my face. It's not much, but it is progress! It's proof positive that I can come out of this entire ordeal intact, that I can get on with my life in spite of them.
Body or mind, I'm stronger now than I was back then. Body or mind, I am no longer a terrified thirteen year-old running for her life and the tenuous promise of a future. Body or mind, they will never end me.
It will take time, I know. I will not be running like the wind or scaling the crumbling walls of ruins overnight, but as long as I work hard, as long as I remain determined, I will soon be back on my feet properly. The sooner the better to my mind! I have long since grown tired of this room, of these walls, of this ratty little town. I'm not sure how much longer I can endure this, any of this, without going quite mad or at least a little bit murderous.
Dagramir returned to me today after several days absence. I didn't ask what had kept him away. I wanted to, but I thought it best to keep him at arms length. Mentally, at least. Physically, the man is more tactile now than ever before, taking clear advantage of my return of sensation to tease me further. That's all it is, of course. He's made no secret of that. I'm just a momentary distraction to him, a toy to be played with on a whim and put aside when bored. I should be fine with this - after all, is that not similar to how I have seen the men in my life since my emancipation? Is that not how I have always wanted it to be; a ghost from the mist come to offer a night of bliss before melting away as if she had never existed? - but truth be told, I am not. I am not fine with this. I am not happy with this. I am saddened and degraded and hurt.
It's ridiculous! Were he anyone else, I'd think nothing of it. Were he anyone else, I'd not feel a thing. But he's not anyone else. He's him. Fool that I am, I have fallen in love with the man, knowing that I can never have him, knowing that he belongs to another, knowing that he's so very similar to me in his ways.
This cannot be allowed to continue.
He informed me that he was going away for a while, that his work was sending him somewhere to the north for a time. That stung, I must admit. I will miss his presence, but perhaps that is to the good. Time and distance allows one to come to terms with a multitude of sins. If he is not here, then I am not frequently assaulted by the sight of him, the smell, the feel, the joy he engenders in me, the laughter he causes, the sense of belonging he offers and the pain of having it all torn away again and again.
If he is not here, then I don't have to look at that stupid shaven face of his; a visible, if subtle, claim of ownership from his woman ("He is so tightly held in my hands that I can now dictate his very appearance!") If he is not here, then I have a chance to leave this all behind, to be done with the petty jealousy that she is the one to kiss his lips, to wake next to him in the morning, to hear the pretty words that make her heart soar, that she has all this and more and I don't! I want to hate her for it. I want to despise her very existence for having what it is that I want, for having him and a daughter (of course she has a damned daughter. A perfect reminder of what he lost, a second chance to keep it this time and a way to keep him close - a ready made family!). I want to loathe her pretty face, her jet black hair, the fact that he now calls her by the name that I bestowed on the woman (what is her actual name anyway? She must have one, surely.) Try as I might, however, I can't even work up a proper level of resentment. Truth be told, I wish her well. I wish her every happiness, every smile, every joy that life can bring and I think I hate myself a little bit for that.
I can't keep going this way.
Run!
I don't know exactly where he is going, nor do I know how long it will take. I don't know if he'll be absent for long enough that I will be strengthened to a great degree. I don't know if I'll be ready to leave before he returns.
He asked me if I planned to go without him. He seemed a little put out by the notion that I might leave him behind. My reply was noncommittal. I gave him the opportunity to ask me to await his return, but he felt it would be selfish and cruel to do so - how very true. So, with not even a dubious promise to keep me here, there is no reason for me to remain beyond my rehabilitation.
Run!
Before he left, I will admit to a moment of weakness. I asked of him something that I have asked of no man before. I asked of him something that I have actively avoided in the past. I asked of him the very thing that I have spent the past year demanding that Eordion not do. I kissed him. I know that I should not have. I know that I should have kept my affection to myself but if, as I intend, these were to be our last moments together then it seemed right to do so. He seemed shocked and discomforted, though not entirely displeased. I kissed him with more feeling than I've any right to, and then I asked him to remember me. Amusingly, he then asked the same thing of me. Perhaps he realised that what I really meant was goodbye?
Run!
So, what do I do now? With no real indication of how much time I have before his return, I cannot be certain of my own readiness to depart before he arrives back in Bree. Just in case he returns before I can leave, I think the first step is to find somewhere new to recover. I'll wait a day or two to be certain of his departure I think and then I shall seek a new room. Elsewhere within the Hedge Wall seems to me to be asking for discovery. Combe, perhaps? Or Seaver's tavern? It might be nice to run into the lovely Neyaa once again and I do recall her wish to speak with me. We'll see.
I know he said he'll follow after me if I go, but if I can get enough of a head start, perhaps he'll decide it's not worth it? And if I can't, if my body betrays me and I remain in Bree-land by the time of his return, then perhaps him believing me so far ahead will give him pause.
Run!
At this point, the only thing I can be certain of is that I have to run! Be it toward the terrors of my past or my impending demise, it matters not. As long as it is away from Dagramir, I can at least try to find some peace.
