Found:
A new purpose.
A whole host of pain.
The last few days have been draining to say the least. I'm exhausted emotionally, physically and mentally. But not all of it has been terrible.
Sure, Baby Bird followed me when he wasn't supposed to. Sure, we spent far too long speaking far too openly. It was horribly uncomfortable. How can I be so honest with this man that I barely know? How can I be so open with this man that I certainly should not trust? I know better than this. That's part of why I avoided seeing him again before leaving and why I went when I did. He should never have followed me...
My words to him had not been meant as blackmail, they had not been intended as ultimatum. He had asked what would make me stay and I had told him; an explanation of my needs and nothing more. He readily offered me what he could, which was sweet of him, but it would never be enough. I knew it and told him so. He left to think. Poor thing looked so confused. I wasn't expecting him to come back. I hadn't wanted him to. I had hoped that what I had told him would be enough to keep him at bay for good.
But then they came. Aerlick, Thaelan and Radnir. Ghosts of my past returned to haunt me after so very very long.
I've grown complacent. There was a time when they never would have found me. I covered my tracks expertly back then. I suppose I lost the need to do so after Varani stumbled upon my camp. After all, when I sent her away, I had cause to believe that my pursuer had been dealt with. Funny that they not only found me because of her but were looking for me for just that reason.
I held no grudge toward the youngest of my half-siblings for all that occurred back then. She was too young to really understand what was happening or to really join in on the "fun." I hold no grudge now. I told her that she should walk her own path and she has chosen to do so. Good for her! If it led her back here to that dull little woodsman, then all the better. He seemed to care a great deal for her. That her brothers disagree with her choice tells me that it was the right one.
So, why did they come for me instead of her? Why not? It's my fault, after all. Everything is according to them. If the crops fail, blame Sairona. If there's mud on their shoes, blame Sairona. If their mother has a headache or an egg is rotten, blame Sairona. All the ills of their lives, all their bad choices, all the random little acts of chaos that occur upon a daily basis are somehow caused by Mutts like me. The world would have been a much better place if I had never been born.
They screamed all that and more as they beat me to a pulp. Again.
I'd like to say that I held my own against them. I'd like to say that I gave as good as I got, but I know that's not true. When first I saw them, older now but still very much the faces of my nightmares, I was too afraid to do anything. Too afraid! Me! I face down the undead, giant spiders, kergrim, anything that one might find in a crypt, as a matter of course and with a smile on my face but three Rohirrim are enough to make me shake like a leaf! It was only after I was hit for the first time for telling them the truth that anger, so long suppressed, so deeply buried, rushed to the surface. I know I caused some damage to them, but three against one are tough odds. I did what I could. It wasn't enough.
Maybe they're right. Maybe I am bad luck or the mortal source of all evil. Perhaps I am chaos personified in a body to die for. Perhaps they should have killed me as a child, as they tried so often to do. Perhaps I deserved their punishments and perhaps I still do. But they can't damn well blame me for whatever has befallen them in the two decades since I ran from their home! I refuse to be responsible for their weaknesses! I have enough of my own to contend with.
I don't really remember being thrown into that ravine. I remember hearing Aerlick yell from somewhere above, something about driving Varani away from them. I remember being unable to open my eyes, the pain of my body, the numbness of my legs. I remember lying there unable to move, a rock wall on one side, air on the other and the sound of water below. I remember... I remember thinking that I couldn't die like that. I couldn't be sent to my rest by their hands. I wouldn't! I had no idea how I was going to survive this, but survive I would.
I've never been one for revenge. It always struck me as petty and counter-productive. I saw no point in getting even when you could simple do better. The past cannot be fixed or changed, so why allow oneself to be bogged down and held back by a misplaced and impotent desire to do so? But running hasn't helped either, has it? After all this time, after trying to distance myself from what once was, it came back for me anyway. I suspect it will do so again if it ever realises that I made it off that ledge.
So, let's just say that what I have planned now is less revenge and more a return of uncalled-for hostilities. I'll still visit Angmar one day. I'll still find the city of Carn Dum, the towers of Barad Gularan and the vast bone yard of Imlad Balchorth. But first, I have to go back to Rohan, to put these ghosts to their rest.
Of course, before any of that can happen, I need to heal. My rescue from that predicament was just as fraught as getting into it in the first place.
Dagramir came back. That was unexpected. The daft sod tracked me all the way from my campsite and somehow found me down there. I have no idea how he managed to make it down to my side, but I have never been so happy to find myself in the company of someone who I had so desperately wanted to avoid! I assume we lacked the means to go back up that cliff side for the crazy bastard picked me up and, holding me tight, threw us straight down into the waters below! I don't know how he managed to do it, how we survived the fall or how his strength held out long enough to get us both upstream to Trestlebridge. I was in such pain and beyond exhausted long before he dragged my sorry carcass up onto the shore.
I wasn't joking when I told him that I had fallen a little bit in love with him then. I wish I had been.
He carried me all the way up to the town and, despite my protests to simply leave me there in the care of a local healer, he insisted that I return to Bree with him. He wanted to be sure that, after all his effort, I wasn't about to randomly die on him. I suppose I can't really blame him for that.
I hope he was lying about watching over me. I hope he wasn't serious about coming with me when I leave for Rohan. Whatever I may want from him, whatever feelings I may have and whatever feelings may yet develop, I will not come between him and his Raven.
I know what this is. I know where we stand - or sit, as the case may be. At least until my legs heal - I know where this story is going and how it will end if left to play out. I'm not sure I can face that.
Perhaps Baby Bird was a fitting sobriquet at one point, but it is no longer. He's not the flightless fledgling fallen from the nest. He's not a wounded animal in need of tender ministration. He's become something so much more precious to me. He's the unobtainable, the treasure that will forever be just beyond my grasp. He is the fabled Silmaril, a jewel of unparalleled beauty and light and I...
I must give up that hunt however tempting it may be.
