Is it possible to gloss over horror and wickedness, with something so simple as love? Can grace or forgiveness or compassion or any other kind thing, somehow blanket these dark stains, without ever truly dealing with them, to a point where you can simply step over them and pretend they no longer exist? It seems as though that is what people are trying to do right now. And I want it to work. I want the smiles and jests and hugs and well-wishes to make everything better, to erase the cloud that hovers over me. To help me forget.
But it isn't working.
I still carry this dreadful, dull aching, deep in my breast, everywhere I go. Sometimes it is less and sometimes it rises to the surface, and I can hardly breathe. Most of the time, I can keep it quiet. But I saw Aallan in the marketplace yesterday. He laid his hand on my shoulder and startled me, and my first thought - Béma forgive me - was that he had touched me with hands that mutilated and tortured a man. I forced myself to smile at him, but my heart wasn't smiling. I hate the shadow that now lingers around my beloved friend, whenever I look at him. I know he isn't wicked. He didn't want to do it. The burden must be a hundred times heavier on his heart, than it is on mine. He could see the struggle in my face, for his famous smirk melted away and he became somber along with me. He made some sort of half-hearted joke about his recent troubles and I almost fell apart, and he grabbed me and held me. I embraced him in return, not caring in that moment if anyone should look in our direction. He'd come close to death so many times since I'd known him, and damn the whole world, I would not begrudge myself just one hug. He stammered that he loved me. I don't know if he thought those words would shock me, but they certainly didn't. He's told me before, though I think now the manner of his love is not the amorous hope it once was, but simply that of a dear friend. If I am wrong, then I am wrong. I gladly returned the sentiment, because I do love Aallan, I always have, and always will. My heart is vast and loves easily, and I won't apologize for it. I needed to hold Aallan in that moment, as much as I would want to take anyone I loved who had suffered greatly in my arms, both to comfort and be comforted. There was nothing untoward in our embrace, and it was truly a much-needed balm on my heart. The moment was brief, much briefer than the time it's taken me to write about it, and we went onwards to the Pony afterwards.
The next few hours were some of the happiest I think I can ever recall. Aallan and I found Cesistya and Dryn in the Pony, and our party gradually increased in size. Raven joined us, and we talked affably for a time, before I noticed a tall, dark-haired woman standing alone nearby. There was no cause for us to carry on merrily while she stood apart, so I slipped over and invited her to join us, and I was happily surprised when she accepted. She introduced herself with a rather grand-sounding name, but said we could call her Gwaed, so that is what I will call her! Not long after, my dear Ina came in, and then things took a turn for the silly (which tends to happen around certain red-haired Rohirrim). I had a cup of mead in my hands, for I'd expected to need something a bit more "calming" for my nerves, but it became quite apparent that it was unnecessary, as we fell into laughter and jokes and teasing. I drank the mead anyway, which perhaps fueled my own good humor. And oh, how they all made me blush, over and over! Wicked creatures, they! We were like a gaggle of schoolchildren for a time, and Gwaed, to her great credit, seemed to take our antics in stride, giving quite a few verbal jabs of her own with a bold grin on her lips. I do believe I caught both Aallan and Dryn flirting with her, but who could blame them? She was beautiful, tall and proud, and she took the attention with good humor, though she must have felt a bit overwhelmed by so many new faces and so much rowdiness. I felt a twinge of guilt at the sight of Ces sitting alone against the wall, but she always seems so content to be left to her reading and writing. I looked over a bit later and spotted Arelie sitting with her, which eased my worry.
At some point, I felt myself getting rather light-headed from the laughter, the mead, and the incessant blushing. I procured a cup of water from Barliman, and returned to the group, though by this time, our wild abandon was beginning to exhaust itself, I think. My sweetheart arrived and joined us, and I was glad to have him there beside me, with such a pleasant atmosphere in the room; quite a welcome change after the troubles of recent days. Our party grew even further when Aeglorond walked through the door, and was beckoned over by Raven. We all retired to a table then, and I was thankful, for I was beginning to feel worn out from all the fun, though it was a pleasing exhaustion. We enjoyed a more calm conversation from then on, though the banter flared up here and there, to my delight. Aallan and Raven were insufferable in their teasing of each other, which I found incredibly amusing. Ina can stir the pot like no other, and I wanted to strangle her and hug her all at once. Dryn was quietly thoughtful; he is a gentle soul and I enjoy his company immensely. Gwaed is a curious creature, quick with smiles and wit, but her face often takes on a faraway look, and it is clear to me that her story must be an interesting, and perhaps somber tale. Raven kept falling asleep, and I once shouted at him to rouse him, which was highly amusing, but the next time he got slapped in the head by Aeglorond, which didn't seem to go over very well. Conrob sat close to me in his usual way, with his arms around me, saying little. I hope he wasn't uncomfortable with so many people around. I think back to the days when we were forced to sit apart, not even touching each other, and what bittersweet torture it was. I never tire of the joy I feel now, when he sits down beside me and pulls me against him, and I pray I never will.
If only every day could be like yesterday. It was blissful to forget, for a time, about the troubles and pains of my life, and of those around me. I do wonder, if I could somehow replicate such happy times, if they would eventually heal all the hurts, and drive away all the shadows. I suppose I shall never know.
