I had been so elated of late. There seemed much to take heart from, but mayhaps it is fanciful of me to think all is well, because in reality it is not, not all all.
Oh how I despair of myself, what is wrong with me, can I not write about other matters? You would think I had naught else happening in my life, I do, I have a good life, but it is a troubled one of late. I must remedy that.
I have wrote upon these parchments of how worldly I am, how strong I am, how I may talk, and tousle and share my secrets with a man and not wish aught to become of it. You are a fool Neyaa Sunngifu, and you should be ashamed. Nay, I do not feel shame that I am lying with a man out of wedlock, a man who will never love me, nay my shame lies elsewhere.
I thought myself wiser, stronger, more canny, more worldly, but things will go beyond all control if I do not cease this foolish affair that I am having. I have doubted my resolve at times, and have always been able to dismiss these doubts, but our last meeting was not like any other, and if I did not know the man better I could have sworn there were moments when … But, I do know this man, and I know that I simply do not want to love him, he will never love me, and to even dare to love him will bring naught but heartbreak, he will break my heart, because he breaks everyone's heart for he will not allow himself to love, and I will not allow myself to love him, for he will take to the road and our friendship would be lost forever, and that is too terrible to contemplate, not when he seems happier and more settled than he has for a long time, how can I ruin that if I were to even contemplate letting my feelings develop?
Why are we cursed with this business of love? I was afraid of it once, I saw what it did to my mother. Love is unique, it is the only thing that must be given, it cannot be taken. It cannot be commanded, demanded or forced. One cannot be made to love another simply because that someone loves them. But I have learned that you cannot stop it and it can bend and break you. You can fight it, but will never defeat it, you can run from it, but never escape it. Yes it can fade, but not when you keep throwing yourself at the mercy of it. It is not that I am afraid of love, nay, I have tasted the bitter sweet rewards of it, and I would love all of the men I have loved and lost again, how can one know what joy love brings if they will not even try it?
Nay, it is not love that scares me, it is that I am afraid of losing all of my dignity and self respect, and I speak not of the scandal that a widow is rutting carelessly with a known womanizer, nor that I instigate most of these trysts, why shouldn't I? I am in fact afraid of my stupidity of stumbling along and even daring to think there may be something amidst those clinches. There is not! And I am humiliated that for a moment I wondered if there was. That last time, I almost believed it, but I need only look down at that pelt of his upon the floor and I can laugh so loudly at myself and be sorely reminded there are many more of us, but he is honest enough about it.
Ah...listen to me, I am all that I despise...'just another woman' - but it takes a brave woman to love, and I am brave and bold enough to love, but not foolish enough to be a blind to the folly of it. Love is one thing, but when unrequited, it is as painful as death and oft lingers longer.
So, here I am, my elation doused by a sound helping of reality. Hammered home further when he told me he is to host Taala and Eroforth's wedding celebration and I am forbidden from even attending. He seems quite excited by this, he showed me the gifts he has bought them. It seems they married in the Elven lands and lodged the necessary papers at the Town Hall. I never thought I'd see the day that Taala would wed. I, confess, I see some of myself in her, in my younger days before I became a mother at least, though I've never been hard of heart like she is. Taala is Hardoleth's daughter, I am almost a step mother to her, even though we are around the same age. Her hatred of me has not diminished over the years. I am perplexed as to why she can reach the conclusion that I am responsible for Hardoleth's death, the man left me, he was long gone when he died, yet I am to blame in her eyes. I will not document why, for I'm weary of thinking on it. I gave her a home and I offered her my love. She has attacked me, attacked Aanya and insulted Deredan, yet she is Branston's half sister and I promised Hardoleth I would always look out for her...and I will. But I am hurt that again she has shunned me, and Seaver told me that I will not be allowed at the celebration, I doubt he even argued my cause … but it is after all my battle to fight, another battle I am unlikely to win. I should so like to go...shunned.
Nevertheless, I have a wedding gift for them, and perhaps one more card left to play...
