I woke up today with a pounding head but I felt significantly more well rested as the morning wore on. Last night I had such a fright, Taala could have very easily read my book though I do not know as she would violate my privacy in such a way. Within these pages are sensitive matters. She very nearly could have read them all within the space of an evening. I suppose I am fortunate she was worse off for the mead. My innermost thoughts, bound in fetters. She could have been privy to them all. If not them all, Then a very great deal. I have been so vulnerable. A tumultuous contrast of feelings. The lowest of the low I have been yet today I found my spirit soaring to great heights. The euphoria will not last. Kríea cannot surely live? The fates must have made an error. How sad it is that when good fortune strikes a man cannot simply find it within himself to simply take it at face value. Perhaps I am now scared of the possibilities if she should survive. The way she laughs and the way she smiles. The innocence of her I find ever endearing. It is impossible not to laugh around Kriea. Once the ecstasy had worn off I couldn't think. It was only a brief respite. This is a trick.
A man has to keep working. I have to, I cannot stop. It hurts to think. The note I tried to write before burning, I was going to leave it for Cirywen. Agh! That name. What is it about this stupid girl? I saw her today in the Pony and my heart sped up. I am a joke. I found myself looking towards that man. The one she joked about and just for a split second I contemplated slitting his throat quietly. Poor chap has done nothing wrong, It would be a cruel and senseless act. But why is this? Is this how father felt when that harpie snared him yet despite his grave misgivings he could not simply manage to slip away. I crave her. She sees me even if not fully. I am bored of writing her, She is everywhere I look.
I saw the flicker of doubt in Taala's mind when I spoke to her of my fears, I wish I had not said anything. Because you cannot love Seaver, does that mean you have to ruin the concept for those that are able. I suppose I wish her back to an extent. She is still there but it was a comfort to me. Knowing that she and I were one in the same in that respect. But she told me that she had been in a prison of her own making. That she could have loved me had she allowed herself. And now she felt truly free.
I suppose you tire of these dreary monologues, reader. Or even trying to make sense of some of the events I refer to. Lucky then that they are not for you but for me to keep a grasp on my sanity. I read back on these pages with an increasing sense of deja vu.
It feels as though I am banging my head against a wall. And it is a particularly hard wall.
I brokered a deal for a trip to Thorin's Hall with the Dawn, It will be good to get back on the road. Back to simply guarding caravans. I am not lying when I say I am experienced in such matters. I have taken part in skirmishes on the roads on both sides of the law. Being in this company, it gives me a sense of purpose but it is strange as well. I almost feel shackled. Caged. And it is making me feel very, very edgy. It is not entirely helping. I've made one or two off-hand remarks to strangers, I feel... dangerous, at times. There have been at least two occasions where beneath the mask of tranquility I have felt myself poised to strike. Calm, Seaver. Calm. Restraint as well, it will come. It's been so long. You will have your moment when the rapist comes to seek the sickly escapee. Then the ground will run red... Just wait a little longer. I need this. So I can think again. How can I settle knowing he is still out there? I would involve the Dawn if I had to. But my private business is my own. There is also the matter of these Northerners and I will get to the bottom of it. Styrk, he is such an unlikeable man. He came to me offering a job, of all things, I will have to discuss it with Skelcar. He may have unsavoury friends, perhaps this road will lead to something in completing the contract. I have been to every boarding house and brothel in Bree hunting them. I think traveling with Styrk may result in his decapitation in my present frame of mind but perhaps he could prove useful, I never quite replaced Deven Finchwater. Though after Deven I swore I would never employ an unpredictable monster again. Even on the sly. I had much atonement to do for my error in that regard.
