Nim ruminates

The elves here in Rivendell are strange... though not as strange as him... he confuses me.
I always thought all Elves were creatures of the light, though we have our differences... all the evil has been created by the Shadows, and we do not fight one another needlessly...
Yet this is not true; I knew this from history, yet I never thought more of it... the war and the corruption of shadows was what I blamed.
Yet of course, there are defenders... those who attack are in the wrong, yet what of the soldiers? Were they following their captain in blind faith, or out of duty? Did they honestly think what they were doing was right, or were they hoping for the best, had they accepted their fate?
For a child of Eru to kill another is madness, barbary. Yet both the attackers and the defenders did that.
Those who do not live by the sword may still die by it... when a soldier says he has no choice, does he mean this? To sacrifice one life for countless others?
I used to say that there is always a choice. Those who do evil chose to do so. But there is not, is there? There is not always a choice when innocent lives are at stake.
But does he think so? Or does he believe his fight was just? If he does... then maybe there is no hope for us after all.
The Valar have destroyed a land for being touched by the shadow. If we fail... they will do it again, I have no doubt.
I have never seen the light of the trees. Neither has he, nor have my people or his. Why did they then place so much value in these trifles? Have we become so far removed from the land whose guardians we are? Or are we, who refused the call, not wise enough to decide that?
No, we must - have to - follow what is right. I have to test him, find an answer. Is he searching for a cause, only living his past pains? Or is he in fact doing what he thinks is right? I cannot read him, yet I feel he is searching... caught up in his grief and his anger, a soldier fighting without a captain.
Yet, for some reason, he is also dear to me... I would not see him lost. Maybe there is some destiny for him that I am sensing, one that has yet to show itself clearly... we will see.
I must find a way, and all these elves are strange to me - as if they were an entirely different people. I can but watch, and learn.
But in the meanwhile, the shadow grows stronger, and much that was beautiful is irrevocably destroyed... I cannot simply wait and watch. An effort must be made to unite the people against the shadow... but is it possible? So many of them will not see further than their own grudges and greed. Many do not feel this place to be their charge, thinking only to return to Valinor. And yet others hang on for other reasons... for fear of losing what is theirs, of having to make sacrifices.
I cannot condemn them for it - they are, in their hearts, also protectors. But where are we to find the strength to push back the shadow?
I thought only to go and protect my forest, my friends. But now I learn that so many things depend on it. There is no clear way in front of me to bring this goal about. Only many winding roads, and they all point Eastward.
But I am no politician. I am priestess and healer. I do not wish to become involved in this game of strange alliances and struggles. I only wish to help these who cannot protect themselves.
What can I do? We are Elves, we are the protectors of the land... but many seem resigned to our failing. Now we may have to look to the humans for help. Yet humans are fickle and weak, and they have no ears to hear the song of nature. No, we are the wardens of the wild, and we have to remain if not all that is beautiful will pass. I have no desire to go to the west, neither have any of my people. But are we doomed to wither and die here, then? Will we remain when all others have passed into the West? If it has to be, so be it. But I would rather remain than flee.