So did we all hop onto our boats and ships and sailing boats that we had heroically stolen from the Pirate Corsairs and sail off to Minas Tirith, to see what was happening even there. The wind was at our backs, or to our front, whichever way made it best for sailing I think, and so did we go amidships verily avasting seawards and thus adrift the long fathoms between Pelargir and Minas Tirith.1
Then we came to Minas Tirith, and found everything in a big mess. There were orcs and Haradrim-men and big monsters that the Haradrim-men were riding about on and the Rohirrim were all fighting them and also Prince Imrahil’s army was there for some reason.2 And everyone was fighting and chopping each other up and having a war. And it was a great war, the greatest of our age. And when they saw our ships, they all shouted, ‘The Corsairs! The Corsairs of Umbar!’ And they shouted that because they didn’t really know who was actually on the ships, which was us, me and the Rangers and lots of Gondorian people!
Then Mr Elessar jumped off the ship and he shouted, ‘Nay, it tis not the Corsairs of Umbar! It tis me, King Elessar, with Lord Tallow!’ And everyone cheered when they heard my name, except the orcs and Haradrim-men, who wept or tried to run away.
So we all charged off the boats after him and started fighting the evil people, except for the hobbits, because they were too small. But Mr Elessar sent them off to try and find out what was happening in Minas Tirith. Also, Halbarad Elessar jumped off the ship too, and he’d made a big flag on the way to show that Aragorn was the real king of Gondor, and everyone was excited about that!3 But then a troll smashed Halbarad’s head flat and his blood and guts flew everywhere and that was very sad.
‘Noooo,’ said Mr Elessar as he killed the troll to death.
Meanwhile I was also killing lots of people and orcs and monsters and people, like a hero, but also I was looking out for Princess Éowyn, my betrothed, who was somewhere about with all the Rohirrim. Then I saw old King Théoden, who was fighting very hard and trying not to die, even though he was so old and would probably be dead soon anyway, even if nothing killed him in the battle, and Éowyn was there with him, her bosom heaving and her body slender and her hair blowing about a bit in the wind.4
‘Hail, King Théoden!’ I cried gladly, and started killing lots of orcs and running over to him, and Mr Elessar came with me.
‘Oh hello, Lord Tallow,’ said the king decrepitly. He raised his sword and chopped off the head of the king of the Haradrim-men. ‘And hello Mr Elessar.’
‘Actually it’s King Elessar now,’ said Mr Elessar who was now King Elessar.
‘Oh really? Good for you,’ said Théoden cheerfully.
But alas! that cheer was soon to be transformed into sorrow and death and weeping! For even as the old king said ‘Oh really? Good for you,’ suddenly he stopped breathing and also all the bones in his body got broken all at once and also he died!5
‘Noooo’ said Princess Éowyn sensually.
Then we all looked over, and even the hearts of Mr Elessar and Princess Éowyn became deathly afraid, for they were scared, and I understood why, even though I wasn’t so scared, because it was very scary. For there was standing before us a Nazgûl-king, and this one was the chief of the entire Mordor army, and she was a wicked witch from Angmar, the home of the witches. In fact, she was the same witch who killed the last king of Gondor many years ago too!6 And she was using evil witch magic to kill everybody and make everyone scared, and she had just killed Théoden, you see.
‘Well well well!’ cried Mr Elessar nobly. ‘Away with you, you nasty old woman!’ And he lifted up the Last Ring and started fighting her with magic.
But the Nazgûl witch laughed evilly and said (after she had finished laughing), ‘Hahahaha! You have no power over me, Aragorn!’
‘Oh really? And why is that?’ asked Mr Elessar. ‘For I have the Last Ring!’
‘Yes you do,’ said the witch. ‘But you see, Aragorn, I am your mother - and so you cannot harm me! Hahahahaha!’7
‘Noooo!’ shouted Mr Elessar unhappily.
‘Also,’ added the witch additionally. ‘You can’t hurt me anyway, because only a witch can kill another witch! You fool!’8
‘Quickly, Éowyn,’ I shouted. ‘Kill her!’
‘What?!’ shouted the Mordor witch. ‘But that’s impossible!’
Then Princess Éowyn cast a spell to kill the witch, but also the witch started to cast a spell to kill Princess Éowyn, but Éowyn was quicker and finished her spell first and the evil witch exploded!
‘Noooooooooo!’ she screamed as she died in lots of little pieces.
But also the witch’s spell hit Éowyn, and also Meregrin the hobbit who was nearby for some reason. And because she hadn’t finished making the spell it didn’t kill them but also it hurt them quite badly and they swooned and fell over.
Then King Théoden, who was still a little bit alive, said, ‘So it is done and my death is rightly avenged. Éomer, you’ll have to be king now.’
‘Hurray!’ cried Éomer and all the Rohirrim.
‘Alrighty then, now is the hour of my perishing come upon me,’ said King Théoden, and he finally died, and everyone was very sad.
Then we turned around and kept on fighting all the orcs. But if you thought that that would be the end of it, let me tell you, our troubles were just starting! Because in that time at that very moment just then, Peregrin the hobbit ran up to us!
‘Hello everyone,’ he said.
‘Hello Peregrin,’ I said. ‘What are you up to?’
‘It’s Denethor!’ replied Peregrin answeringly. ‘He’s going to give the whole city to King Sauron, or burn it to the ground if that doesn’t work! You have to stop him, Lord Tallow, or everyone will die! He’s gone looney, I tell you!’
It seemed like the beginning of my troubles were only just starting to commence. It was going to be a long day for me…
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1 If my hypothesis is accurate, Nick Tallow did indeed go by sea from Pelargir to Minas Tirith with the Grey Company. Apparently, though, this was not sufficient for him to learn anything of seafaring verbiage.
2 Again, Tallow’s lack of knowledge concerning even simple political matters beggars belief.
3 While it is true that Halbarad Dúnadan revealed and bore the standard of King Elessar at the Battle of the Pelennor Fields, the banner was the work of the future Queen Arwen Undómiel.
4 As is well known and recorded, Éowyn accompanied the host of the Rohirrim to Pelennor in the guise of a man.
5 While Tallow does seem to be broadly familiar with the Siege of Minas Tirith and the Battle of the Pelennor Fields (at least, more familiar than he is with near-anything else), his inaccuracies are no less egregious. By the time the Grey Company came up the Anduin and disembarked at Harlond, Théoden, Denethor and the Witch-king had all already been slain. It is possible that Tallow was not unaware of this, but elected to rearrange events in his retelling so as to allow himself to be present for all of them. However, it is also exceedingly likely that Tallow had no clear conception of what happened when during the battle. I see no way of guessing which be true.
6 This brief passage reveals that Tallow clearly had no real concept of the Black Captain’s actual nature, though he was also familiar with some passing few truths.
7 This particular “revelation” is, to me, entirely and fully baffling. It makes no sense even within the logic of Tallow’s nonsensical story, and I have discovered absolutely no myth, rumour or connexion ever suggested between King Elessar and the Black Captain. One has to assume Tallow included this twist for the sake of a cheap thrill for his audience.
8 Clearly, Tallow was broadly familiar with the existence of some prophecy concerning the Black Captain’s end, and that Éowyn was responsible for the fulfilment of that prophecy. Clearly he was also full unfamiliar with anything approaching the actual prophecy itself.
