I can't seem to muster the will to spill my guts onto these pages today. I wrote a lot a few nights ago. Three or four pages' worth.
I ripped them out and burned them.
Talk less. Think more.
Catesby has delivered the first set of new arrows, and he included a new quiver as well. A surprise, I suppose. I wish I could ask him why he'd done such a kind thing. The craftsmanship of the arrows is very fine. I left the agreed upon silver pennies with Butterbur.
I left a letter on Ivan's doorstep. Foolish, perhaps. I beat myself up over it quite thoroughly afterwards, but I've made up my mind to stop that, and I won't do it again. I want my words and decisions to be more meaningful from now on. Even the poor ones. I must own them fully. He deserved to hear from me. I might die in some far field, and I know too well the anguish of never knowing what happened to someone.
I had a nice talk with Kim, too. I'm glad for that. She's always been warm and kind towards me, though I don't know why. I know we shared the attention of Baylen forever ago, but surely it's more than that? That lass deserves a bit of good fortune. I've never seen a smidge of meanness or ugliness about her, but she's been done wrong by the men in her life, and with a child, no less. Where are the men with some honor and duty? For gods sake, if you don't intend to take on a family, leave her alone.
Anyhow, she had a pretty silver necklace from Nathan, and I showed her my corded one. He does know his friends well. Silver is pretty enough, but I'd feel strange wearing it. I'm happy that I have something to carry with me when I leave, to think of him, and to think of home. I need to find him before I go. I couldn't leave without saying goodbye to him.
Already writing more than I'd intended to. Just want to get a few more things out. Who knows how much I might be able to scribble here once I'm on the road, taken by bandits, or eaten by a bear? I jest, of course. Sort of.
I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw Aeralhil a few nights hence in the Prancing Pony. I nearly threw myself on him in a hug, but managed to remember myself and not embarrass him. He always seems a bit weary to me. As if life itself just drains his strength. But he had the same sweet kindness to him. I feel that he worries for me, even though he doesn't owe me any of his worry on my account. And it's a nice feeling. I've been watching for him for months, and I thought for sure I wouldn't see him again before I left. I'm happy I was wrong.
He mentioned the big lake country, and said I might go there to test my wandering feet, and so I may. I've heard much about it, and I'd like to see it before the end.
I sat by the waterfall last night and just held the lute. I thought of everything that happened with Ry and all that was said. I can't decide how to feel about it. I feel tricked in some ways, but not necessarily in a bad way. More like...
...nay, I can't find the words for it.
I tried to play the chords again. I think I got them right. I tried to remember the words of the song, but only little bits and pieces would come to me. My mind isn't what it was before the...that time.
I'll put the lute at my Tree Camp. All that spraying water on the rocks wouldn't be good for it after a while, even with its pouch. It belongs with the few things that I keep and treasure but can't carry around, and they're all at the Tree Camp. Lot of memories there, too.
I hope he's all right, wherever he is.
I feel somehow quite nervous, but also very peaceful.
