Ah, the smell of a new book. I promised myself that I would not get caught up in this again. Yet, here I am. Pen and ink to hand, there is little else to do at this hour.
Well, another day. Another deal done. I did not anticipate my stay would last this long, The Captain in Trestlebridge was more than willing to strike up a business deal.
The local whores were hard to miss, there was a time I would not have shunned a night of comfort.
No, there is only one woman upon my mind. My misadventure in the brothel in Bree proved as much, I wish she was here, snug and wrapped up in the bed behind me, I know her body well by now, and she mine. I would much rather the distraction than sitting here now hunched over this fresh tome.
I tell a lie for there is another in my thoughts and she remains there every time I clasp the pendant gifted me by the Variag which rests upon my neck.
I did not think I would ever have these feelings for a woman who self-admittedly does not feel, does not form attachments. Who has spoken with such casual disregard for life, yet she was also spared the pain of loss. How I envied that, I still do. But lately she has challenged my conceptions with the two Eorlings which have courted her. I find it most bewildering. She admitted a care for me too and I her, in spite of my efforts to maintain emotional distance all things considered.
And now she's leaving, engaged to this man who whilst a decent sort I cannot help but have my reservations regarding the whole arrangement. I must accept her will and her decision. As much as it pains me. To think I once considered leaving my fiancé for her, I often wonder of the choices I have made, alternate paths.
But now she has chosen one for herself and I must respect that. And yet the parting which is to come feels like yet another loss in a long line of them. Were it not for the Variag I do not think my courage would have held when it comes to my childhood friend.
Bite the blade she said. Go for it. And I have, sort of. Yet, have I truly? I suppose I have in a way, it sounds silly just how much that sword-pendant has helped me. The conversations I have had with my childhood friend. They have been deeper and more meaningful of late. Helped in part by the Gold woman and her slander of me strangely enough.
I love her, I do. And yet even so, I could not help but make purchase of charts, maps detailing the lands farthest south. My heart yearns still to travel, fulfill my boyhood dreams. My desires are ever destined to conflict. But why do they have to conflict so? I could take her with me were it not for cold and hard reality. Were it not for the existence of that child. Who has done naught to warrant my resentment but merely exist. Simply breathe.
The Gold woman, the Snake widower, who are they to judge me? All folks do is judge. Well, fuck them. She knows that I love her. She has to know, by now. Speaking of the former, no guesses as to who hobbles into my Inn as though she did not slander my name after the kindness I had shown her. The unpleasantness I have tolerated. Seeing my childhood friend like she was. She has the nerve to bad-mouth me and cause such unease then swan back in as though nothing occured? In spite of her efforts to drip poison. Well, fuck her. Were she not on those crutches and I did not feel an irksome tug at my conscience I would have kicked them from beneath her and thrown her out into the dirt. Let her crawl her way to shelter somewhere else for all I cared. And yet I cannot bring it upon myself to toss an injured woman with a death wish out onto the street. And so here we are.
I feel more distant from the Captain's daughter than ever, she has her own life with the Dalesman I cannot begrudge her that. I spend the majority of my time working, and yet even when we are together I can never truly say what is upon my mind anymore. I'm going to tell her. I cannot go on as I am, hiding the true depths of my feeling even if she despises the woman I love. She will have to learn to accept it.
But am I ready to acknowledge this in it's entirety?
I do not know. All I know is I want to be with her and I'm going to be with her. I'm going to bite that blade.
