It is a simple truth that the people in our lives change us. Sometimes this change is for the better, sometimes it is not. The great and glorious, the heroes and kings of old, the rulers and warlords in far flung distant lands, they can change the world around us, but they cannot change who we truly are. Only those we are in contact with, however brief that may be, can truly have an effect on our hearts and minds.
Baecere is one such. He taught me much in the time that I was with him. He showed me that I can trust, given the right circumstances, given the right person. He showed me that, even if only for a short time, I can be safe. He awakened in me a wish to be close to someone, to believe in them. For the moment, I cannot bring myself to do so with anyone but him, but he has changed that much in me.
Baradar has likewise changed something in me. He has expanded upon the lessons of Baecere as well as loosened my tongue with his patience and perseverance. His distant presence and my knowledge that he can and will find me should I be taken lends me some reassurance. I am distrustful still, but he makes me want to trust him.
Daigan too, has wrought some small changes, or large. It is his encouragement that has caued me to commit my thoughts to this book. I never would have done so previously. Indeed, I always believed that my thoughts were not my own, that they should be what I was told they were. Now I know different. Also, his insistance upon closing the distance, nudging my arm or laying his hand upon my shoulder, has engendered in me a little more tolerance toward it. I still do not like being touched, I still shy away from it, but because of Daigan, I deal with it somewhat better than I used to.
Avaldir is a different matter. His influence has caused me to speak my mind. Whilst I still feel that much of what I say to him is little more than the ramblings of a silly little girl, still he listens and does not dismiss my words. It inspires a confidence that I had not previously thought possible. Although his recent actions have been... detrimental to establishing a measure of trust with the man, they have taught me yet another lesson: one that he did not intend.
He. He is the last of those to change me, more so than he wishes to and in ways that he would not appreciate, I fear. He has shown me that I can stand up for myself. Because of him, I have accessed a small store of stubborness and learned to say no. I think it bothers him that I most often use these new talents with him, but I cannot help that.
He asked me earlier if I am capable of love. The notion amused him greatly. I told him the truth: that a part of me wishes for it and that the rest rejects it. What he knows, what he believes, is that I reject it through fear. It is not the opening of my heart that scares me, but the intimacy that comes with such a thing.
What he does not know, what I can never tell, is that even through the fear my heart betrays my wishes. I know love, I feel love, but I reject it through necessity. What use is there indulging in this hope, this feeling, when the object of such views me as such a lowly, pathetic creature? Even could I change enough, improve enough, to alter his opinion of me, still he would not return my tentative affection.
It is a simple truth that the people in our lives change us. These five men have altered me beyond what I had ever considered possible and they continue to do so, some more than others. Because of them, or in spite of them, I am not quite who I used to be. Because of them, or in spite of them, I am changing still. I can only wonder now: who will I one day become?
