- A scathing satire of a song -
'If I Were the Izbad' - concerning the history of the band of dwarrows called Durin's Folk, in particular the four consecutive Izbads (second in command to the Uzbad, Duinn): Hanfur, Norgi, Kandral and Asudrom. ((set to the tune of 'If I Were A Rich Man' from Fiddler on the Roof, by Jerry Bock))
The Rolling Kegs performed it in all its glory (with artful pibgorn*) this year, at the Archet Aid festival. (*the only pibgorn at the concert!)
This song came out of listening to Norgi gripe about his time as Izbad, long long ago. Nothing he griped about sounded all that bad. Instead my head started to fill with all the fun things I might have gotten up to if I had been around when Norgi had the power... Or if I had all the power. That was a tipsy night!
The resulting song wasn't very flattering, to any of the Izbads, past or present! At first I was afraid to unleash it to the world. But each one of them (with the exception of Hanfur, whose whereabouts still remain a mystery) - even Alhvar our warlord - were utterly flattered that I took the time to mock them, gently. Rats! And I was hoping for demotion!
What is more, as Asudrom mumbles about stepping down as Izbad, Duinn has added my name to the list as his possible successor, much to my interminable chagrin. No, no, no! This song was supposed to be a joke. It's enough to make one yank one's beard!
If I were the Izbad
~Yubby dibby dibby dubby dubby dibby dibby dum.~
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were a powerful dwarf.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
~Ya-ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.~
If I were an Izle-Izle-bad,
Idle-diddle-daidle-daidle dwarf.
I'd build a big kin hall with kegs - just like Hanfur,
Right in the middle of Ulfhirth.
A fine set of chests with uniforms crammed in rows.
There would be one long protocol going up,
And one even longer going forth,
And one more leading nowhere, just for show.
I'd fill my drills with quips and jokes, just like Norgi,
For all the inn to hear and spy.
With dwarrows doing push-ups in their beer
With each loud *cheer* *drink* *burp* *giggle* *roar*
Would blast like a trumpet on the eye,
As if to say "There goes a clever beard!"
~ Refrain ~
I'd see my Azaghalbad, looking like a noble lord,
With a proper set of plate.
Supervising drills to his heart's delight.
I see him putting on airs and strutting like a peacock.
Oy, what a happy mental state!
Screaming at the dumuls day and night.
The most important kins in town would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to advise them,
Like Elrond the Wise.
"If you please, Asudrom... Pardon me, Asudrom..."
Diffusing drama that would cross an Ainur's eyes!
~Yada-dee da-da, yada-dee da-da! Yada-dee da-da-dah!~
And it won't make one bit of difference,
if I answer right or wrong.
When you're chief, they think you really know!
If I were chief, I'd have the time that I lack
To work on my book on ancient booze.
And maybe put my tome in the Pillar of Lore.
And I'd discuss Khuzdul with Kandral Strongbeard, seven hours and then snooze.
And that would be th'most epic thing to score.
If I were the Izbad
~Yubby dibby dibby dubby dubby dibby dibby dum.~
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were a powerful dwarf.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
~Ya-ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.~
Mahal, who made the hammer and the axe,
You decreed I should be self-obsessed.
Would it be some vast eternal jest?
If I were the next Izbad!
