I have been a fool.
A fool to think that I were free. Free of them, the ones who follow me wherever I go. The lights and the voices. The Lights are back. They complain, they scream, they sing...they never seize to speak, accusing, cursing, altering the order of my thoughts. The worst part is where they are correct. It is true that my family now lies to the ground, and it so happened because of my existence and action. The Lights always remind me…
It is now past. I cannot change it, nor could I save those who were weak enough once they fell to my hands. I am neither a god, nor Béma, who smiles and grants luck to any whom he favors. Surgery has risks. As many patients have passed, more have been healed. Though the fact remains..some cannot make it. They turn into Lights, and follow, hissing their thoughts into my ear.
It happened the other day…
I lost my focus, when one of the Lights appeared in the middle of the fireplace, then I saw it move, fly. It hovered over the stairs and landed into a candle, from whither it looked at me, stared, expected. Words of guilt it spoke and I was left speechless, unable but to hearken. That man had passed a year before today from a severe cold. It caught him in the lungs, fever took the better of him. Waldera and the man called Crisdean were there when the airy presence neared me. They clearly think of me less now. I care not for the man’s opinion. He may think what he wishes, he is no better than I. My Star though...
Thankfully, Waldera decided to stand by me, despite the episode. For it is naught new to her. It has happened before, when she were around. Despite her terror of such a situation, she chose to not abandon me, said that we would get through this together. She has to be the purest and most kind creature I have come across. As well as the most loyal. I am perfectly certain, should it be another person, they would have left without a second thought. All I wish to do, is make her smile, for it brings much happiness to me, when my Star appears.
On another note, I was requested last eve, to see to a man’s health in the jailhouse. Captain Odall required of me to retrieve a lockpick, that had somehow been stuck up the man’s behind. Alas... I keep asking Bema why he sends me all the fools. Though I have come in acceptance that such incidents are also part of my job. And so I could not refuse. Although in the end it appeared to be more of a hoax, than an actual medical situation. I saw the wealthy son, I recognized him from another night at the local inn, who stood bare for some reason behind bars.My eye also caught the glimpse of a woman clad in a corsair’s outfit, who were for some reason thoroughly amused. Her laughter echoed all across the jailhouse. Eventually there was naught to be found, and all returned to normal. Apart from the young man’s dignity that is.
There is naught more to be said here.
I shall wait and see how everything flows from now on.
