Contrasted with Folly and Fury: An Account by Estarfin
I am in Vindurhal, a remote and windswept camp close to that filthy and foul burrow of the goblins near the Northern High Pass. The Hammers set out to do battle with some great Goblin-Lord, and I went with them on their mission, by the grace of my Lord Veryacano. His men objected strongly, as did the cruel and capricious Nirhen.
These Noldor very clearly shared their feelings on this matter with Lord Veryacano. They told him that I was an unfit, poorly-equipped, soft-headed weakling who would only get in their way. Yet here I am, writing of this so-called adventure, sitting snug and warm by the fire, while these others are still blundering around in the snowstorm, so perhaps I am not what some might think.
Alas, I had little chance to prove my skills in battle, and be judged by those. All was confusion to me in those dark, stinking passages. I was pushed, pulled, shoved and trod upon; contempt, mockery, threats, and insults were heaped upon me when Lord Veryacano was out of earshot. Yet never did I open my mouth to complain, except once, when Estarfin accused me of trying to get myself lost. If only! As I told Lord Veryacano, how could a person get himself lost when he was near enough to be manhandled by Nirhen and Estarfin? The many bruises on my arms and my torn clothing attest to their rough treatment!
It is true that I considered running away, but that was much later, after I was abandoned to the loving care of the Snake-Lady Nirhen and the snuffling Hound Daegond. I was left alone with these two when Lord Veryacano and his retinue departed for their hunt for the Goblin-Lord. They told me the inner caves were too dangerous, and forbid me from coming along, but in truth, I would have rather taken my chances with the Goblin-Lord. I did not like the faces Daegond was making at me, nor did I wish to hear Nirhen’s venomous, shrill taunting any longer, so I thought to make a little distance between myself and this nasty couple, and have a few moments’ peace. I began to sneak away, when Nirhen dashed up, and flinging out her enormous boot, tripped me so that I fell on my face. Then she threatened me with further harm if I strayed, but quickly changed her mind, and urged me to hurry off and die, as she needed some enjoyment to relieve the boredom. As I was about to run off, a heavy glove fell on my shoulder; I was steered around firmly, and almost bumped noses with the Hound! I felt his hot breath in my face as he hissed a warning to go no further. Just at that moment, Lord Veryacano’s troops returned, singing his praises and carrying the Goblin-Lord’s head aloft, and I was mightily relieved and rejoiced to see my lordship again.
But all this was as nothing compared to what happened later with Estarfin! He was commanded by Lord Veryacano to watch over me and keep me safe while we crawled around in the goblins’ tunnels. I noticed his eyes silently ask our lord why he had lost favour, that this burden was laid upon his shoulders, but he objected not - at least, not aloud to Lord Veryacano. However, Estarfin told me pretty plainly, both in word and gesture, how it was to watch over a ‘useless weakling’ many a time while we traveled together.
And so the goblins and their lord were slaughtered, their corpses piled up, and we set fire to everything. At long last, we left that stinking hole, and I was able to look upon the daunting peaks of the Hithaeglir once again. Never had they seemed friendlier! But it was still fearful cold and snowing fiercely, and we somehow got separated in the blizzard. Yet Estarfin dogged my steps like a shadow, so I sat down in the snow and waited for him to approach me. But he would not, and would only lurk behind instead, so I pretended to continue on my way, unconcerned, and hid underneath the bowing branches of a snow-covered fir. When he came close, I leaped out at him, and angrily demanded to know why he followed me.
"My lord has commanded me to watch over you, and I will not abandon my task until we reach the camp,” he said.
I told him that I did not need a nursemaid, and I could fend for myself, and I would trust to luck: it has not failed me thus far! He would hear none of it, and threatened to drag me back to the camp if need be. And so we plodded along in grudging silence for many steps, but it was now snowing so heavily that we were blinded, and wandered lost in the mountains. We were attacked by a goblin patrol and fought them off valiantly. My arm was struck by a club and broken, but I made light of it, and held my head up, so as to not bring more contempt from Estarfin. By good fortune, it was not long before we found the path up to the pass again, and reached Vindurhal without further mishap.
Estarfin seemed kindly at first, tending to my hurt arm and giving me a wafer of lembas. Then he announced that he would set out immediately to search for the other Hammers, and I should wait at the camp for his return. I replied that I would not: I would travel to Imladris to attend our lordship’s pressing business, which would brook no delay. But Estarfin said I must remain at the camp until his return, and commanded that I sit down. I refused; he is not my master, and I do not serve him. Then Estarfin heaved out a mighty sigh, and said that he must remain at the camp and watch over me to keep me from departing.
"You cannot watch me night and day,” I said with a laugh. “Your eyes will grow weary, and then I will slip away -"
And that was when he grabbed me by the front of my tunic and hauled me clear off my feet!
“You will have me fail my Lord? You would disobey the Lord of the Hammer?” he snarled.
His face was contorted in rage - I confess my heart failed me, for I was overwhelmed by his sudden fury and tremendous strength, and in his eyes I saw death. I waited for the final blow, yet none came: Estarfin released his grip, and seemed to be struggling with something in his mind. He turned away, and warned me not to speak again.
So I thought it might be pleasant to quietly write in my journal beside the fire. Its flames are dancing merrily, but they do not warm my heart. How can I be of good cheer with Estarfin standing a short distance away, and feeling such an estrangement and disorder in my mind with these Noldor? My lordship’s task must wait a little longer. He will think my service to him very crooked and circuitous, and I fear he will be angry with me, for instead of seeing to his business, I make him wait upon mine.
