“Mmm, I see,” said Parnard, nodding. “That this rankled in your breast so, all this time: you should have told me sooner.” *
The words stunned Estarfin into a temporary silence. Even after the passage of years, Parnard still did not understand him, did not understand how deep of a wound his failure in the mountains had caused him.
***
He had been tasked by Veryacano, the Hammer Lord, to guard Parnard through their attack on the vile goblins of the mountain. He remembered well trying to guide and protect Parnard through the dark and dangerous tunnels, and the numerous times that he had to grab Parnard and pull him back from sheer drops, burning supplies, twitching goblins and collapsing masonry. Each time Parnard tried to shake him off, his face darkening with anger. Nirhen had tried to help, some had seen her as cruel or cold, but Estarfin had known her better than most, for a while at least. She had pulled Parnard back from a crumbling ledge before he fell, yet instead of gratitude, her help was met with further indignant looks of wounded pride. Daegond too, may Mandos honour him, had also lent his strength to the task of keeping the Silvan Elf alive and unharmed in those dark and terrible tunnels.
Yet despite all of their efforts, Parnard had been wounded, his arm broken in battle against the goblins as they had travelled together as unwilling companions back to the camp, arriving before the others had returned from the swirling snowstorm. Estarfin had failed in his orders, and it had weighed heavily upon him, as did concern for his missing brothers and sisters of the Hammer. He was still under command to keep Parnard safe, yet the cursed Elf would not stay safely at the camp. Indeed, Parnard had declared whilst laughing at him “You cannot watch me night and day, your eyes will grow weary, and then I will slip away." Estarfin remembered clearly the flash of fury that had passed through him at the declaration, and his stern treatment of Parnard that followed.
The failure still troubled him. Veryacano himself had taken him aside, and told Estarfin to not bear needless guilt, he had done all that could be done and whatever else was Parnard's own fault. Nirhen and Daegond had not understood his dark mood when they returned to Vindurhal; Parnard was alive, despite his lack of caution, their mission had been successful, that was an end to it. Estarfin remembered talking with Ruineth of his failure, late into the night when he returned to Imladris. He had explained his duty, his failure, his forgiveness. “You concern yourself with the well-being of this Parnard, yet all he did was put all of your lives in danger with his foolishness. Yet when you tried to steer him away from the path of foolishness he spurned your advice, your assistance, and openly laughed in your face? I think it would have been well to be rid of him in the mountains.”
He had been angry with Parnard, angry and resentful. Yet that had passed as he got to know the Silvan Elf, and understand him a little more. There had been difficulties between them, for they were so different in temperament and outlook. He remembered his kindness, if little else, during their time in Lórien. He was brave and loyal, and they had finally reached an understanding. Then Estarfin failed in his duty again, once more in the snow and ice against the goblins. He was laying at the edge of death in the snows of the Hithaeglir calling to Tintallë in desperation rather than hope, and Danel had found him. Once his broken form had been carried home, Parnard had shown him kindness once more. Once Estarfin was recovered enough to walk freely around the valley, Parnard had invited him to travel with him and his betrothed from Imladris to Mirkwood. Then, one day, he was simply gone, and all Estarfin was left with were questions, doubts and once again, anger at his friend.
***
Estarfin took a breath and closed his eyes, trying to shake the anger in the face of fine wine and starlight. There would be time for hard conversations in the days to come.
* From The Rekindling by Parnard https://laurelinarchives.org/node/61781
