Madaurbeth,
I had this most deep and powerful of dreams. It felt so vivid and real, and it was so long. Was it some kind of strange elf magic that came upon me? But when I woke up from this long, real feeling dream, something had changed. think I may be begining to feel different again.
The guilt is going to eat me up if I don't write that apology letter. I have no idea what to write, but I feel the urge to more than ever. Maybe it will take throwing numerous parchments into the fire.
I remember when Demlemoth told me that unless I killed Aglarari, I would never be free. It stung me for a long time, felt like an insult and a bar. But in this dream, the words strengthened me. Then again, this was a bizarre dream and I was fighting some sort of creature that could have been me, could have been anything. I still am bewildered, especially when my mother was the one who set me straight. I have not seen my mother in years.
I feel like I deserve punishment, but I don't want it. What I want is to live, live my life and feel the wind on my face. I want to be free, and more than that I am fighting for more than me. Nimraph, the boys, Demlemoth and Egfor who continue to shelter me even when I'm so difficult. They need me to aim for the best. I may hate staying here, but what other options do I have? I left to turn myself in to Mordor before, and I turned back when I realized it would solve nothing. How could I forget so quickly? I have to lay low for now, even if my heart protests. Egfor gave me the garden, I have a kitten to raise back to health, and I have the unique opportunity to maintain alone time with Nimraph, Dammon, and Briar. Can I embrace that? I still feel hapless, but I shouldn't mope anymore. I think it's catching on, my lack of liveliness. I should try to perk myself up again before the sisters report this.
I still have no appetite. Perhaps after finishing that weeding I will finally develop one.
Before any of that, however, I need to write that apology letter. I don't want to, but I'll do it. Egfor hasn't asked me about it yet, but I can't let him down by saying I haven't even tried.
I have no idea what I feel these days. The days are all a blur. No matter, maybe I'm following one of the weirdest dreams in my life, but I need to stop letting myself beat me down. I'm my own worst enemy, and I need to fight me back.
~ Eira.
