[the writing is in Aduniac, sloppy all the way through.]
Madaurbeth,
Egfor brought in a kitten! The poor girl is barely a scrap of fur. I cleaned her right up, got Dammon to help me get her a cozy bed. She's currently curled up next to the fire. I fear she has a cold, and I am giving her as much rest and soft food as I possibly can.
Nimraph is still asleep in the bed. We did it again.
I am writing from the little table. As I write this, I feel the nagging of Egfor telling me to write the apology letter to myself, but I still cannot.
Nimraph told me I am doing magnificent with the boys, but I am terrified of doing something wrong. If only my mother were here to help me. I'm terrified of triggering a bad memory with their biological mother. I would never forgive myself if I scared them.
Poor Syllea. She seems to be dealing with nightmares to the extent that she cannot sleep. I hope Egfor and Demlemoth can help her.
I miss Ristiinna. I keep leaving her, over and over. She must be sick of it. Do I deserve to be called her Ystava? No. No, I do not. One of worst parts of being stuck here is being separated from this friend. I hate this, and I'm ashamed of my treatment of Ris. I should probably just give up on this friendship, make her happier. Like I deserve anything good anyways.
I say I don't deserve anything good, yet I still hold out hope for freedom. I still cling to Nimraph, lie down with him. I made those blueberry muffins and I ate two. I deserve none of this. What is wrong with me? Freely taking what I do not deserve? Should I just slip out, wave a white flag and let my hunters find me? It would make Demlemoth's life, and Ristiinna's life, a lot easier. The only thing keeping me here, I think, is Nimraph and his boys. How would they react if I disappeared? I cannot do that to them.
I wrote the ten things I'm thankful for, the ten things I am lucky to have for the wretch I am, in a separate journal, no way am I wasting that space in here.
~ Eira.
