It is said that time changes people, however, I feel as if in some aspects I'm too stubborn to change. I long to relive memories that are far less than I deserve. And for what? A sense of familiarity? Are we all afraid of change? Or am I just not as strong in spirit as I thought? The simple mind would say "What more could she want?" "She has a son, a roof over her head, a Husband that loved her." Yes, loved. Past tense. Loved and he loved me so much that he left me to raise his son alone. No, that's not fair. Not to his memory. Raymond was a good and loyal man. So much, that he abandoned a life that could have been one of luxury, but chose to follow me instead. A knight is no slave, nor is he a puppet, he is the son of a loving Father wanting a secure future on his behalf. Yes, this is how it was, in Raymond's case. He started out as a squire then rose up in the ranks. My heart ached when he found me again. All of his potential wasted when he became a sellsword. How does one go from a swan knight to a hired sword? I wanted him to forget about me. To serve his country that he was so passionate about. Instead, he died on foreign soil. Blast it! Why do I find myself aching for him five years after his death?
Maybe it's because, he was the only one, that I could truly bear my heart and soul to. I'm starting to wonder if there is ever an expiration date on mourning. His memory creeps into my mind more when I am alone. Then in a crowd of strangers. But I have to keep moving, for Freawine's sake, if nothing else.
