She sits with her books. The one that holds the documentations of events. She begins the process of writing out the letter that she must write in case everything goes wrong. The trials are pending, and she will face the betrayal shard. There is no way to be sure she will come out of it in one piece, and so she writes. First she writes telling each of them how much she cared for them, how precious they are to her. How she has watched them grow and change, even though things havent always been easy. That she would give anything to be there with them now and continue to grow with them. How deeply she really did care for them, but never said so. She then explains she had to be sure she would not turn on them. That she had to put things in place to make sure they were all safe.
A pause as she looks out to the water. She considers what she is about to write. It had taken her some time to realise what it would mean if any of them had failed at the trials. How each would or could end up. It had taken a long hard look at each of them to know that she had to find a way to protect the company as a whole. Lavendara needed more protection from the trails. She was the heart of the company. Their mother. Without her the company wouldnt have someone to nurture them from within. The anger would consume her and cause her to rage and destroy them from within. She had to ensure she would survive, so she did what she had to in order to tip the odds. Silver was wrong, Cwenawynn was not affected by the taint shards any longer than the rest of them.They had only just become active. Everyone had only just begun to feel them all at the same time. Silver had mistaken Cwen being affected by the spirit as being the same thing as being affected by the taint, it was completely different. Yet she didnt disapprove of Cwen gaining the extra protection. In fact she would have suggested it anyway. Cwen would have been her choice too. Shame was something Ry had wanted to protect her from as much as possible. It seemed only she had truely believed in the first place that Cwen was strong enough for this trial, and she still did. However, should she fail, it would crumble her dear sweet friend in on herself in ways that would destroy such a precious strong woman and make her feel things she should never feel. Feel the way she often felt. No one should live like that. She would not be a danger to the company, but chances are she would self destruct, no, she was best protected. Athy had his sword. He would likely survive through sheer arrogance if nothing else. Should he fall though, the fear would likely kill him rather than make him turn on the others. Its unlikely he would become a danger to anyone else. Thus, with no other protections, and her likely to be a danger, she had already calculated what needed to be done.
She looked back to the book and continued to write. She explained how she had forced the hand of the one she had asked. That he was the logical choice. He knew the danger to the company, and his devotion to them was as strong as hers, and he knew that if it came to it he had to do the right thing for the sake of the greater good. She would no longer be who she was, and she didnt want to be like that, didnt want to risk harming them and destroying everything they had worked for. To forgive him, and her, for making this choice and taking it away from them. She closed the letter, asking them to remember the good times. and to keep focused on seeking our Ryheric now that the trials were over.
She closed the book. A cold feeling coming over her. The feel of the shards so close already pushing in on her. She was the one that guarded the box with the shards. Kept it with her all the time, other than the short durations when Tars would take it for a walk out of camp. She would keep it from the others at times staying off to the side a bit to give them more space, a bit further away. Aerie and Silver often staying further from camp, and now Tars taking long walks away from camp. Even the other often spending time outside of camp while the box remained constantly with her, constantly the taints aura pushing in on her. If anyone was going to fail she knew it was likely going to be her. Yet she felt something shift in her. The woman who had stood up and told Tars how things would be, where the lines were. She stirred. She could feel that woman in her starting to stand up and shore up inside her. Taking a deep breath she close her eyes.
They didnt see her fully she knew. They saw a cold and detached woman perhaps, or someone who was a caring doctor.. She wished she had danced with them the way she did with the hobbits during their pipe smoking harvests, or sung with them like she had with the drunken dwarves after hunting mushrooms in the caverns, but she hadnt. They didnt see the passion in her eyes when she explored the ruins, or rode Bilberry across the plains. She wished they had. There was so much living still to do, and she would do it yet, once the trials were done and they all returned once more together somewhere that they could ride as one.
