I don't know where to begin, or what to write first. My heart is so full, I can't settle on just one thought.
Winter be coming, as it always does. Another year gone by. I'm not sad, though. Sometimes in the past, I'd get a little sad when autumn were over. I were always thankful for having a warm bed and a fire and a place to live during the snow and frost. But this year is different. So different!
Master Maurr and all his companions will be here for the winter. I still miss him so! I miss having him at the Boarding House. I miss those quiet, cozy evenings with just me and him and Master Tumunir. And Pumpkin, of course. Silly, I guess, that I felt so warm and comfortable and belonging, with two dwarves and a cat. They were the first to care about me, after I left Bree and struck out on my own here. Master Tumunir were gruff and crusty and always squinting his eye at folk. But he never chased me off, and sometimes he'd sit with me, or ask me to sit with him, and just talk. He were lonely, I guess, and maybe worried about his past finding him and catching him. I been meaning to tell him how sorry I am, for what I said that one night. I were so angry and shocked. But now I feel so bad that those words ever got into his head. I need to tell him that.
Where was I? Oh, aye. Master Maurr! He were the opposite of Master Tumunir. He were so kind and jolly, always had a laugh and a twinkle in his eye. Master Tumunir could be as sour as an old goat, and Master Maurr would just laugh or wink at me, and my heart loved them both! Then sometimes, Master Maurr would become quiet and serious, and he would watch everyone around. And I could tell he were thinking his own thoughts, and he mostly wouldn't share them with anyone. He'd frown if I walked too fast and tripped over my own feet, or if a stranger came into the House, or if I went out without a scarf on. I remember how he looked after me, when Miss Cesistya had worked on my leg. I didn't deserve any of his kindness. He just poured it out. It's just who he is, I think.
And now he's brought back some jewels from his travels, and they were so terrible pretty! Yellow and green at the same time, like a spring leaf. I think Mister Doc is going to fashion them into something I can wear. I don't know how I'll be able to make myself wear such a treasure. It's probably worth more than this whole house put together! But I will cherish it all my life. Because it come from Master Maurr's heart. I told him that I think of him sort of like a father. I felt embarrassed as soon as I'd said it. I hope I didn't make him feel embarrassed, too. I still don't know half of what there must be to know about dwarves. Maybe they don't go around telling their friends how they feel.
I spent a little time talking with Miss Cesistya the other evening in Bree. I wonder just how long she’s sat there by the door of the Prancing Pony? Does she never get lonely for her home, her kin, her elf friends? Maybe one day I’ll be bold enough to ask her these things. I know I prattled and rambled while talking to her, but she only smiles. She’s so gracious when I’m a flustered mess. Funny, that I have dwarf friends, and maybe I could call Miss Cesistya my friend, too. My elf friend. And even hobbit friends, like Miss Gustine! But I don’t have much in the way of men and women friends, do I? Everyone seems restless to go away, to go here and there, to never stay put. Like Miss Finchley. I miss her bright little self. Will she ever come back again?
And then there's Tairy.
Bless me, I can't even write his name without trembling. I saved him for last because I knew. I knew, as soon as I let myself think of him, everything else in my mind would just vanish.
When did I first see him? Has it been a year? What are the first things I remember?
I remember him taking a bird’s nest out of the chimney. I remember standing on the ground, holding the ladder, looking up, telling him to be careful. He were just a stranger then, just another traveler staying at the Boarding House, and I thought, I’ll feel right awful if he falls and breaks his neck while helping me, a woman he doesn’t even know!
I remember finding a very poor built snowman in the front yard. I knew it had to be him what built it! It looked so bad, poor thing. All lopsided and lumpy. I’m laughing about it all over again! He said they don’t get much snow in Gondor. Then he told me about the sea. I’ll never forget it. He suddenly started talking in the most beautiful way, and I could see it in my mind. I could feel the waves moving under me. I think I knew then...at least a little bit...that he were someone very special. I don’t think he knows, even now. All he has to do is open his mouth, and I am gone. I don’t know how to rightly say it. All he has to do is look at me, and talk, and...I’m like a leaf being carried on a wind.
I can’t sit here and go over every memory. I’d be sat here writing until next winter. I’d do it, though. And happily so! Gods know how many times I’ve played my memories of him through in my mind. Over and over and over. I never get tired of them.
And now we have the cottage. All to ourselves. Oh, have mercy! All these months of walking round each other, staring, smiling...sneaking hugs and kisses. But never just free! How did we survive all this time? I remember feeling nervy and shy about setting foot in the cottage with him. He’d always get that look in his eyes. That “hidden side of Tairy” look. It were a little scary, but...oh, how it made my heart pound!
Oi, but I be getting so far ahead of myself now! No more of this talk!
Now my mind is all a flustery blur and I can’t focus on anything at all! What else can I write? There are too many things I want to say, and not enough time or ink to say them.
Damnable Taite, focus!
I need to ask him about going to see Pa and Ma. I know he’ll say yes. And from there, we can go west, like we’ve been meaning to do. To visit the sea. And to be back by Yuletide.
I’m just sitting here. Staring out the window at the garden. The leaves are almost all gone.
I feel like weeping and I don’t know why. I’m not sad. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Well, least since I were a little girl, I guess.
I just don’t deserve this. I’m not good enough for him. He’s so... he’s too good. Too much. He’s everything any woman could ever want. He’s perfect.
But I’m not afraid that one day he’ll look at me and realize he picked the most pitiful nobody in the world to love. No, I know that he loves me. I know it more than I ever knew anything in all my life. I don’t rightly know why he chose me, but he did, and that’s that. It’s a done deal. He offered his heart, and I took it. I offered him mine, and he took it. And there’s no take-backs for something like this. It all happened so slowly. One day at a time. It were like hands were moving us about, like pieces of a game. That’s how it felt, truly. Like I weren't in control of any of it. It were like we were meant to be. I can’t think now, how the world felt before I knew that Tairy were in it. I feel like this were always meant to happen.
Life is a great old mystery.
I only know that I love him so much it hurts me. So much that it scares me. It makes me feel small and helpless, and at the same time strong and wild and mad. And I will love him more than I ever loved anyone or anything. If I could just stay in his arms until I die...I will die happy.
I suppose that’s enough thankfulness for one evening! Pa always said that a body should take one day after harvest and before winter, and just sit and say out loud, all the things they were thankful for. I think I could be here all the blessed night long if I tried to do that, but this will do for now!
