The Fight

It had started out happy enough.  She'd gone with her basket, into the woods outside of Bree.  It was something she did often..to gather herbs, to take in the air.  Especially now that she'd healed more, that she could move easier.  She'd come upon her friends, in the shade of a group of trees, and almost laughed in delight.  Sometimes it was all she could do not to run up and give hugs - she restrained herself, for the sake of them.

They'd talked for a long time.  About recent events, meetings.  Catching up about friends.  She'd told them about conversations and invitations that had been extended, excited and happy.  Asked questions about things she didn't understand, laughed and teased.  She was warm with the joy of their company, the feeling that she didn't have to hold back who she was or restrain her questions or thoughts.

And then, it fell apart.  At first, she wasn't sure.  She was confident though, sure, of one thing..she asked.  She trusted them, and while it wasn't always comfortable she felt sure that if she didn't understand, she could ask.  She didn't expect what came next.  The deflection, and then the blast of venom that preceded the whirlwind escape of the woman she so admired.

Her stomach dropped, and she felt sick as she watched her walk away.  She couldn't look at him right away, the lump in her throat threatening the tears she felt.  Her breath was caught, like someone had winded her.  A few words passed, and she could tell he, too, wasn't alright about it.  They parted ways shortly after with a fond farewell despite both of their states.  And though that lingering feeling of dread sunk to the pit of her stomach, she did what she'd said she would do.  She went after her friend.

She found her in company, smiling with a drink in her hand.  They passed some casual conversation, but try as she might she couldn't contain the emotions bubbling in her.  Finally, she drew the other woman away to talk it over.

It wasn't the best conversation.  Understanding seemed impossible - it felt like the other woman didn't care.  And while she heard the explanation, there were so many pieces she felt she missed.  Such a gap in understanding between them.  She tried to explain her part, the desire for her friend to be comfortable.  Her desire to be treated like a person, to hear clearly what was acceptable.

It seemed to her that it was more acceptable, easy to brush off, that her own limits and boundaries of comfort were so often pushed.  Disregarded in 'fun', and her actual feelings not bothered with.  And yet, in that same vein her attempt at asking for clarification, for the ability to know how to build a space of trust, was met with aggression.  And then, excuses, denial.  The idea that the three of them didn't constitute 'privacy', that the issue didn't involve Lav; something she was excluded from and shouldn't take offense to.

It was frustrating, and upsetting.  And in the end, she simply ended up feeling that she had been mistaken in what she'd thought was true.  How much she could offer of herself, in this situation.  

Her feelings were in turmoil, and she could only think of escape.  Moments later, she was atop the back of the grey stallion, galloping across the Breefields.