Found:
Following 'Dara's advice, I sought out Millie this morning. She was surprisingly easy to track down, and more than willing to offer me advice in artistry. I rather enjoyed watching the girl work on that sketch. The way in which the shapes took form with such ease, and so quickly became recognisable as my own features with naught more than a few strokes of her charcoal was truly fascinating! I can only hope that I'll manage something as good one day.
She was encouraging and warm; a far cry from the shy and quiet little thing I've seen so far. More than that, she showed hints of boldness, daring and a cast iron will buried beneath her mousey exterior. I do believe I've a newfound appreciation for her.
Although I cannot say the same for her admirer who left a distinctly bad taste in my mouth.
I begin to think that 'Dara was the wrong one to test, as it were. Oh, I am still not wholly convinced that she can be entirely trusted nor confided in. I expect her to run back and tell all to Ry at the very least. The girl wears her heart on her sleeve for all to see, and though this is endearing, it is also concerning. She makes no secret of anything because she cannot. Speaking openly with her, then, is a very risky gamble.
Ry, however, has told her at least one thing that he had no right to do so. It was not a big thing, certainly. Not something I can keep secret once the cold comes in, but still... if he's so willing to speak openly to her on small matters confided, then what of the larger ones? Does he draw a line at all for others, or keep them only for himself? I wonder what else he has said to her, or to anyone else.
"She deserves to know."
That's all very well and good, but don't I deserve to decide when I am ready to tell people of myself?
Trust wanes.
Watching them together just before 'Dara's departure, I found myself examining my own feelings. Given our discussion on the nature of jealousy a few days prior, I wondered if that stab of trepidation was born out of such an unfamiliar concept, but I don't believe so. My concern is for her, not for myself. I fear that she will get her heart broken. He believes that she knows what she's getting into, that they spoke about it and now all is good. I'm not so sure. I don't believe that such a massive shift in perspective can occur in so short a time, especially when there are feelings involved. Such things are messy, unpredictable and rarely conform to what the rational mind decrees. But it is not for me to decide their path. I can do no more than I already have. All that is left is to walk away and I know that, should the time come, I will do exactly that.
Despite all of this, I agreed to stick around for a while. For him. I will, as promised, return from the North Downs after my little sojourn. A part of me wonders if it will be a mistake to do so, but I won't break my word. I've obligations to keep to him, to her, and have promised a girl's day out to the others. I can't go back on that, even if it does feel like flying dangerously close to the sun.
It would be so easy, wouldn't it, to just keep going. To move further north and east, maybe even to Angmar. I've not been there yet and new horizons call. It would be so easy to put it all behind me; Rowan, Ry, 'Dara, all of the other people I've known and cared about. It would be so easy to turn my back on it all and just start again. Go to Evendim alone, find the River-maiden, be healed and dance away into the sunset. It would be easy. It would be free.
Perhaps once the terms of my contracts are fulfilled, I shall do it. Perhaps, by then, there will be no more reason to stay.
I feel so fucking old.
