I don't even know what to write.
Are we friends?
Is this friendship?
It feels like something else. Something more.
It's frightening.
And exciting. I can't wait to wake up every day.
I feel so foolish!
We're just friends, aren't we? How come I can't tell? What is wrong with me?
I've never been a silly, sappy person. Not towards boys or men. But now I feel so absolutely stupid and happy anytime I get teased by Miss Lumina or Miss Finchley. Miss Lumina is the worst! Not in a bad way, mind. She's the loveliest, most beautiful woman. But she just says anything, bold as brass!
What were I talking about? I forget now...
I wish I had someone to talk to about all of it. Not silly talking, but serious talking. I bet Master Maurr would have something wise to say, but he's not here.
Maybe I should blame the weather. Spring is a tricky season. It creeps up on you! Suddenly, the sun is warmer and higher in the sky, and the light is all different. Birds start singing before dawn, green things creep up in the hedge without you even noticing, the windows beg to be propped open, that warm breeze touches your face and then, out of nowhere...
...you just feel like a complete sap.
I'm just scared. I know I am. I know that's what it is. Scared to admit it. Scared to like anyone. The moment I start thinking that it might be true, my heart starts shouting, "He's just going to leave, they all leave, he'll vanish one day, leave you behind like nothing."
It's what's always happened, after all.
It's not fair to think such things. He's never done anything to deserve me doubting him like that. But you know, we can only control what our brains think, and only then to a point. Our hearts think what they want.
Why must spring be so bloody beautiful? I want to fill the house with flowers! Put a flower in my hair! Put a hundred flowers in a vase and leave it on his bed table!
Taite, you utter muttonhead. What flowers would you use? The only thing blooming is daffy-down-dillies, and hardly enough for a boo bouk a whole vase-full!
Pa and Ma, what do you think? I need your help! You always knew everything about everything. Always knew what to say and how to say it.
Is this what it's like for every young woman? Do we wake up one day and just start to know things, without anyone teaching us? I daresay most women barely over twenty still have mothers to talk to. Or aunts, or even grandmothers. Or sisters or cousins.
Well, Pumpkin? It's just you here. What's your advice?
