Just once. Just once, I wish life would be willing to hand me something good without having to throw in something bad with it.
Everything was going so well! And it still is, I won't say that it's not. Yule is coming, Master Maurr is the most attentive and sweet "nurse" anyone could ask for, Miss Gail came by again with even more taters, and Miss Finchley is the newest boarder at the house! My leg is healing well, I'm probably more nervous to put it to the test than I should be. Mister and Missus Holbrook have put up a little Yule Tree in the sitting room and even decorated one of the trees in the yard! And Missus Hopmead is going to help with the Yule supper, which will be here before anyone knows it, and I can only imagine the treats we'll all be stuffing our faces with.
So, aye, I have much to be thankful for, and I am thankful for all of it.
But why...why did he have to lie to me? Why did this have to happen? I cried my eyes out and we haven't said a word to each other since. Not because we don't want to, I know it's not that.
I were so full of anger and hurt at first! And I was right to be! Anyone would be angry what's been betrayed and lied to! I wanted to scream and smash everything in sight and tell him to go away, get out, never come back!
But I weren't angry for long. I can't be. I can't be because I know he didn't mean to do it like this. I'm not angry anymore. I'm only sad. I'm sad because I were tricked and lied to, and I believed something that weren't true for so long. I'm sad because I feel like a fool, and sad because I could tell he were heartbroken over it, too. I'm sad because something is gone and it can't ever be got back.
I been sitting here and telling myself that it doesn't matter. That he's still the same and I'm still the same, and the way we cared for each other was all real, it wasn't fake. But...how can I be sure? How can I know what's real and what isn't with him now? I want to believe that my heart knows things for sure and certain, that I can say these things without any doubt and take it to the bank, as they say. But gods know I've said that before about people...and I were proved wrong.
Well, I can only doubt and question so much before I go mad. So, whatever happens, right now, in this moment, I declare that I love him and that is that. Whether he's lying to me or fooling me or going to disappear one night without a word and never see me again. I can still choose what I say and feel and do. I can only control me, Taite. And I say that I love him. And whatever misfortunes or troubles come for him, I will be there if he lets me.
*a large smear of charcoal mars the page here*
Confounded Pumpkin!! She knocked over the Yule tree! Oh well, I'll end it here anyway, I have to go clean up the mess!
