Well, I've done it. I put up a post here in Knotwood, then took another to Bree when I did my market shopping yesterday afternoon. I feel quite nervous about it. What if no one responds? What if two dozen people respond and I can't fill all the orders?
Why do I worry myself over things that aren't happening and may never happen?
I sat by the bridge for a long while last evening. Just thinking. About all kinds of things. I feel a little proud that I've gotten my heart back on track. At least, I think I have. I'm not thinking about him all the time now, or always thinking of seeing him or hoping I run into him or replaying his voice in my head. Missus Hopmead used to tell me, "Don't be swoony!" whenever the topic of lads would come up. And she's right. It doesn't mean I don't still have this pesky little thing in my heart, this feeling. But I have to be in control of it, not let it be in control of me. I would never be right for him. Never good enough, never smart enough. It's only selfish to dream of things that can't be. I don't want to be a spinster, but after I thought about it a long, long time, I decided it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I could still have friends, and hobbies, and things to do and stay busy. I could get a dog or a cat, or maybe a bird like I sometimes see in those little cages in Bree. It might not be the life I hope for or want, but it's better than a lot of other lives, aye?
I came home to find Master Tumunir standing by the lightpost and smoking his pipe. He still seems grim, but it's hard to say if it's more than his usual grump or not. He sat with me on the bench under the tree for a long time. We just talked a little and were quiet a little and it was nice. It's strange to think that my only friend right now is a crabby old dwarf with one eye and a shady past. He showed me a letter he got from the hobbit who seems to want to be friends so badly, Miss Kithri. I told him the story about how I hurt my leg. Well, a very short version of it. We agreed that whether life deals you a bad hand or not, you just have to keep going. If you lose a leg or an eye or anything else, there's no use in wishing it hadn't happened, because it did happen. Better to pick yourself up and make the best of what you have left. I asked him if he were sorry he hadn't gone with Master Maurr and the others. He said no. I told him I was glad he was here instead, and he said he was glad, too. That warmed my heart up.
I still haven't visited the harvestmath. I don't think it'll be around for much longer, so maybe I'd better just go.
