Gods, where to start...
Just start, I guess.
I went to visit Mister Dimheim a few nights back. No big purpose to it. I hadn't talked to him for a while. I thought I might ask after Master Yurri while I was there. And with all our dwarves gone off for their holiday, I thought he might be feeling a bit lonely.
Boy, was I wrong. I had just sat down when the door opened and in came Mister Aeru. I were was surprised to see him there, after what he'd said to me about the doctor. But he seemed perfectly calm, and he sat down with us, and the two of them talked for a while together. It seems Mister Aeru is from the same city as Mister Dimheim, back in Gondor, so they had plenty to talk about. Nothing my mind could really follow along with. I've never seen a proper city and I doubt I ever will, though it's fun to picture it in my head. I had a passing notion that I would travel to this great city myself one day, just so I could see a proper ball the way that nobles do it. Everyone dressed up fine with lace and velvet, flowers and candles everywhere, music soaring and couples twirling. Wouldn't that be a sight! Misters Dimheim and Aeru both seemed to think it wouldn't be impossible to travel so far, though finding a way into such a ball would be more difficult. I made a joke about hiring myself as a maid to sweep the floor and that's how I'd get a glimpse of it.
Then Master Tumunir came in. He said something about working on the roof, but he sat a while with us. Then a young lady came in asking for help for her mother, from what I heard. So Mister Dimheim had to excuse himself for that. Oh, and it's worth pointing out that on his way out the door, he said that nobody were was to go in his study while he was gone, but we could stay as long as we wanted.
Mister Dimheim was hardly out the door when Mister Aeru popped up and went right into the study! I couldn't believe it. I heard Master Tumunir chuckling along while I got up and went after him and told him to get himself right back out again. Mister Aeru kept his back to me and started rifling through the books on the shelf and ignored me. Then I look over and Master Tumunir is fiddling with something on a table. I felt about to burst with anger at the pair of them! I told them this were not their home, it were Mister Dimheim's place and his room and his things and this were a shameful way to behave when he'd been hospitable to them! Mister Aeru told me to be quiet and I told him to MAKE me be quiet if he dared. Then I looked at Master Tumunir and asked if he were going to go through MY room at the Boarding House next. He looked right ashamed then, and he stopped poking about, but Mister Aeru just kept on. I told him to give me back his house key. I didn't think he would, not without some kind of argument, but he did it. And then I left. I were so upset I couldn't think straight.
He came to the house a little later to get the rest of his things that he'd stashed around the bed and I didn't even know were there. Master Tumunir had followed me back, so he were there and were like a bulldog standing guard while I hid in the bedroom and tried to stop sniffling like a baby. I don't know why it all made me cry. I'm not used to getting so angry, I guess, it just came out of nowhere. But Mister Aeru were very quiet and polite and I was starting to feel awful about the whole thing. After he'd gone, I asked Master Tumunir if I'd done the right thing. After all, I can't have someone in the Holbrooks' house what's proved they don't respect property or privacy. He said I'd done right. But I still felt awful. And I still feel awful. I don't know where Mister Aeru's gone now, but I hope I see him soon. I don't want him to hate me over this, or think that I hate him. I hope he understands why I did it. Even more, I hope he apologizes to Mister Dimheim.
And then yesterday happened. It’s almost too much to write about. I could never write all that happened in my head and my heart. But I’ll try to get something down on this paper.
The weather were miserable when I got up to leave for the graveyard. Maybe it were fitting for the task I had to do. I hope I don’t come down with a cold after riding back and forth in the rain. I didn’t sleep the night before, either. And I were so wore out when I finally got in last night, I just fell on my face in bed and that were that till the sun came up today!
I couldn’t light the candles because of the rain. But I set them on the ground anyway. One for Pa, and one for Ma. I stood there and talked to them for a while. I don’t want to think about whether they can hear me or see me or any of that. It’s nice to believe that they can. It’s nice to think they saw my blue dress and thought it was pretty. I wondered if Emory had been there at all. I don’t know how long I stayed. I didn’t care how soaked my shawl was getting. You just don’t care about things like that when your heart is hurting so bad. I tried not to think about them being under the ground, under my feet. Cold and dark and rotted away
I didn’t know what to do with myself when I got back to Knotwood. The rain had stopped, at least. It was probably a very pretty day, but I didn’t notice it. I were in that sort of place in my mind where you go after something dreadful and sad and terrible has happened to you. Where you don’t really notice anything around you, and time seems to move in funny ways. Too fast or too slow, or missing chunks. I just walked the streets for a while, but I didn’t feel or think much of anything.
Then I found Mister Dimheim on the bridge. Odd, that he should be in the spot I love to come and sit and think. I weren’t sure that he were real at first, especially since he were laying down as if he didn’t feel well. I thought about just going the other way and leaving him in peace since my mind were so bleak and grim. But I just didn’t care. So I went over and we talked.
I don’t know how many hours I spent with him. It were a lot, I think. The sun went down before he walked me back home.
There’s just too much in between for me to write down.
I wish my heart had a way to just put itself out like a snuffed candle, and be cold and dark and lifeless. I think things would be far easier. It’s lunacy to be fond of someone who doesn’t feel things like other people do. Who can’t understand how I feel. Who doesn’t know what love is. But he still reaches out and shows me such kindness. He tries so hard. Why does that touch ME so deeply? Why? I ought to just sit down and pry my own skull open with an axe to get the answer. It’s maddening! I have failed so completely.
We talked about so many things. So many things. He asked who I love. I told him what was safe to tell. That I love my dead parents and my wayward brother. I’m starting myself to doubt that I know what love is.
What is it, anyway?
What is it?
