There’s a horse named Cedar we got at the stable what got spooked by a snake once, two year ago. Didn’t even get bit, or stung, or whatever it is snakes do. Just got spooked by one in the high grass up in the pastureland by Windview, jumped back, and hurt himself. It were a serious hurt of the kind that if it don’t heal proper the horse might not make it, but Master Rosewood got him back in the pen and wrapped the fetlock in cloth, and the horse were made more scared by that, but after a few weeks when Master Rosewood took the wrap off the hoof were all right and the horse did fine. But two year later the horse still gets scared every time the grass is high in that part of the pasture. He’d stay away from the spot if he could, but we don’t let him, and anyhow, there’s not enough room for him to stay away and still get his exercise. We try to go ahead and shake the grass and reassure him there’s no snakes, but he still gets scared so easy.
(Funny thing is, a few days ago when some waggon bringing tools from one the smithies tipped and made a noisome clatter, most the other horses spooked from the sudden noise right near the stable, but he were one of the only ones what didn’t. I been busy as a bee since then, mending fences, treating hurt horses, and calming the rest. But him and the old nag True were the only ones didn’t spook. I got to get True ready tomorrow, she’s bein’ sold to Miss Clara.)
Anyhow, during one the only times I got a little quiet time during all that work, I were sittin’ on the roof whittling up a gift for Lumina, thinking about how I had been all brave and kissed her, and it had felt right, and how surprised I was by me being brave enough to do it. I mean, I knew Beoda months afore I kissed her, and even that time, I’m not sure if I’d kissed her or she’d kissed me. Somehow it felt right though, and I thunk -- no, I am supposed to say "thought" (don't sound like a real word though) -- I thought as I should make her a gift, so I carved her some bangles of whittled wood, as I figured she could wear as a bracelet or hang on a wall or suchlike. I were so excited to think she’d be glad of the gift. (Though I don’t know what I were thinking. I mean, she got fine silks and gold bangles and suchlike things as rich folk have. A few whittled bits of wood wouldn’t mean nothin’ to her.)
Came a day when we was mostly caught up and were just waiting on some timber, so Master Rosewood told me to take the day for rest. Even forbade me from staring at the ledger I been tryin’ for to do in my own journal. (I just about figured out how to do counts, but got no idea how it’s tellin’ me anything about coin.) So having a day I figured that’d be a good time to see her again and maybe give her the gift. Went into it feeling so confident, thinking of the kiss.
And it turns out I’m just like Cedar, when it come to’t. I been hurt enough times, bad enough, that the slightest hint of movement in the grass, and all that certainty just falls away. I don’t even know what it were. I’d been talkin’ to Miss Carria about that horse for Miss Clara, after a whole ruckus atween her and some other lass, and Lumina came in, and I invited her to join us, and she seemed cross about it, or so I thought. Turned her back on me when I were asking her about it, in fact. Probably nothing, just she were tired, she’d been busy helpin’ a neighbor got hurt, or she wanted to see the fire, or somethin’, but it set me to scared just like the horse thinkin’ on a snake. I just went to makin’ a proper fool of myself. I reckon Miss Carria and Miss Clara were laughing at me the moment I left, I were such a dolt, so scared and nervous. So full of doubt again. I almost didn’t give her the whittlings, but I’d already said somethin’ about ‘em so I kind of felt I had to, and I don’t think she liked ‘em much, though she said nice things ‘bout ‘em.
Well, I walked her home and didn’t stay very long, but she made me feel better, feel like all that were just as foolish to be scared ‘bout as it is when Cedar balks at that patch of grass. I left feeling even more confident, even laughing to myself about having been brave enough to ask for a second kiss. But in the corner of my thoughts there’s still somethin’ reminding me of how every time I felt like this, I messed it up. Beoda left, my friends left or turned out not to have been friends, I made folk cross at me, or something. Got myself hurt, bad, like I didn’t know if I’d ever be right again.
Every time Cedar goes into the field he’s a little less scared. Never none scared, but a little less. Maybe I’ll be a little less scared too. Maybe never none scared. Or maybe Cedar and me both can someday be free of the scared?
