Sitting beneath the shelter of a rock outcropping from the low cliff he had chosen to camp at that evening, Nihtwulf gazed at the flames of the low burning campfire he had built. He shook the small journal he had been writing in, letting the last of the ink dry before he would pack it away into the saddlebag once more. He had spent his last ink, and knew it would be some time before he could once again jot down a thought here and there. Deserted as these parts of Eregion were, it would be some time yet, before he would find a settlement with a merchant who perhaps could sell him a fresh supply. He mused over the last entry, the words still echoing in his mind.
It's been a week now since I left Byrin to his fate under the trees, a week since that night of bloodshed, a week since I have seen another human being. Which probably is for the best, I do not know what shows in my face, but I have both been consumed still by the rage of what they had done, and remorse over my own actions. They were not honorable, nor was the cruelty towards Byrin justified... and yet.
I knew they had to pay for the betrayal of master Granner, for the senseless killing of those who had trusted them with their lives, but did Byrin have to suffer the death I gave him? This I wonder, I guess I will never really come to terms with what my anger cost, but in time I will perhaps come to accept what I did to the man.
Is it my time in the north that has made me this instrument of revenge? is it the bloodshed I have seen? not only there, but also in Rohan ere i departed? I do not know, it is for someone else to decide. I can only live with what has happened, and what may happen still. But while there are moments of shame over my actions, there is no regret. Does that mean I have moved beyond redemption? if redemption was ever called for? I am confused, as is evident in the rambling of my words on these pages. Still, perhaps someone will read these lines one day, and make sense of what, and make sense of why.
Wouldn't that be an interesting experience? actually sharing my deepest thoughts with another person.
Ah but it would require that I actually engage in others, I did once with Faeswith, yet it proved an effort in vain, probably I was not even clear in my endearment to her, or more likely, she simply was not interested in a bastard. I bet she is still in Harwick, playing her music and using her pretty voice to ensnare the locals attending the mead hall at night. Perhaps she has settled with someone, I hope that for her.
I wonder if I should make an effort of seeking word of her once I reach Rohan, the end of the journey is in sight, yet will Rohan welcome me or shun me?, the letter from Algar might simply be a ruse to have me return to face some kind of judgment for the words I spoke in the hall of the Thane. If so, then I shall face them, they are the least of the sins I have committed over the years. The very least.
With a sigh Nihtwulf folded the journal away and secured the leather straps closing the leather bag tight. Then he lay back on the blanket he had spread out, letting the fire burn low as the night closed on the world around him.
