Found:
A solution.
Few things in life are truly ideal. There is no relationship that does not have its disagreements. There is no river that does not sport churning waters somewhere along its length. There is no good death, no perfect life, no act of altruism that does not have some seed, however small, of selfishness within. Flawlessness is a flaw in and of itself for in so being, does it not breed greed, possessiveness and jealousy? No, nothing is truly ideal however much we may strive to find or make it.
I accept that fact. I admit my failings. At this moment in time they are desperation, callousness, selfishness and recklessness.
What choice do I have? I ask myself.
None, I reply.
The truth is that I probably do. There are likely a thousand different choices I could make in this matter, but this is the path I take. Why? It is not easier. It is not simpler. It is not without risk. It is not guaranteed a favourable result. It is because I am growing weaker by the day. My thoughts become more muddled, my vision becomes more blurred, my limbs are clad in lead and everything hurts, save for the core of me which, by this point, has fallen so far down the well that the light is but a distant, hazy memory. Before long there will be nothing left of me to salvage.
So here and now do I choose to make my stand.
I retrieved the flowers. I returned them to the herbalist. I think I saw Rhaug somewhere along the way but that may well have been my mind playing tricks. I wrote him a letter. I hope he never sees it. I hope he never needs to. It is there just in case...
Toddir has agreed to watch over me. He's the only one who knows of my plans, my purpose. He doesn't like it. He lectured me at length, but he knows that once my mind is set, there's not a man alive who can stop me. He could either do as I asked or he could turn his back; I would do this with or without him. He chose to aid me, though he made it clear that he does so under duress. I'm fine with that.
I have what I need now. I'll do what I have to do. One way or another, this will end and though others may disagree, I find the risks, and the odds, more than acceptable.
I will await the evening. Whether or not he arrives to bid me a goodnight, I shall finally sleep.
