Found:
The unexpected.
It had been days since I managed anything approaching decent sleep. A few minutes here, a few minutes there. Just long enough for the dreams to start and I'd be awake again. I stayed away from my friends because I don't want them to know. They don't need to know. I don't need the questions. I don't need to explain. I don't want to. So, off to Fornost to find silence amongst the dead.
I never got that far.
I didn't expect him. I didn't look for him. In my sleep-deprived state, I didn't even notice him sitting there, propping himself up against a boulder near the side of the road. If it weren't for Steel stopping in his tracks and nudging me in the right direction, I never would have known. Once I realised, I ran. Well, I tried to run. It was more like a graceless stumble, I think. I probably shouldn't have. Had I been in a better state of mind, I might have been more wary but I wasn't and he didn't turn me away. It was so good to see him, so good to feel his warmth and strength.
I apologised. So did he. It's not perfect. The scar remains, I think, but the wound is no longer open and raw. It's a start.
We spoke for a while before my exhaustion overcame me. I'd have left, continued on my way to the mists but he bade me stay. I ended up using him as a pillow. Solid though he may be, he's still rather comfortable and try as I might to fight it, I was asleep before long.
A few hours this time. Better than the last few days, but still not quite enough. I could feel him there somehow, but still the shadows caught up with me. Bits and pieces. Disjointed memories and distorted images. His continued presence when I awoke was comforting. And even though our talk quickly turned uncomfortable and troubling, I'd suffer it again just to be sure he's safe.
"Do you love me?" he asked.
What could I say to that? There is no correct answer and although there is something there, it is too new and uncertain for me to give a definitive reply to such a hard-edged question in such a short order. Should I have said yes, knowing that I care enough to worry for him, to return to him? Should I have said no when I know that's not exactly true?
It was too soon. I need time.
"You need someone to mend what is broken in you," he told me.
He's wrong. Oh, he's right that there is something broken. I've always known that. He is wrong that I need someone else to fix it, however. That is not a burden for his shoulders to bear. Nor is it best left in the hands of someone with more patience than he, as he puts it. That is a task for me and me alone. Others broke me, but only I can fix myself.
And that is why I need time.
Time to piece myself together. Time to make whole that which has for so long been shattered. Time to come to terms with myself, my feelings and my new direction. Time to come to know both him and myself better.
"Will you allow me that?" I asked. "Will you take that chance?"
Stubborn as he is, so sure of his own perceptions and unmoving in his resolve, I expected him to say no. I expected him to reiterate the notion that nothing should, or could, become of the seed we planted before my departure.
"If time is what you need, then time is what you shall have."
I felt great relief at that. More, I think, than he may know.
And although I didn't get my sleep within the mists, although I am still plagued by tiredness and the threat of night terrors, although my purpose for being in this area was neatly diverted by the unexpected presence of a man I was not ready to face but am so very glad that I have, I turned my feet back toward Trestlebridge with the purpose of putting Toddir's mind at ease.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know how best to proceed. What I do know, what matters to me the most at the moment, is one simple light of hope upon a dark horizon.
He hasn't given up on me. Not yet,
