Found:
Clarity.
Since leaving Rohan, I've had naught but time to think. I could dwell on apprehensions of what lies in wait for me, but I'm tired of doing so. Rather, my mind turns to specific portions of that. Not to the fears I have concerning their various reactions to my return but to the people themselves. To the people I walked away from, to those I left behind, each individual so very different and yet so perfectly poignant in their own way. My thoughts lie with them.
Neyaa, my sweet, well-meaning dear Neyaa. You of the hair as dark as your heart is light. You of the quick wit and dirty jests. You of the gentle nature and open mind, all concealing a spine of tempered steel. I miss your smile, your laugh, the talks we shared, the secrets spoken. Your advice may be as terrible as your taste in men, but 'tis no fault of your own. Each of us has our own way to view the world, to react to it and live within it. Yours is so very different to mine, but I see the merit therein. I see the happiness you have, the love you harbour and the light you shine upon the twisted, darkened little souls of people like Seaver and I. You accept first, question later and though I suspect that road may lead to ruin, still you walk it with a spring in your step and, I would hope, no shortage of people more than willing to aid you along it. I am one of them, though my help may not be of much use. I will find you again, as promised. We will talk and laugh and, selfishly, I will seek some form of solace in your sweetness.
Seaver, my foe, my object of scorn, my verbal sparring partner and such a warm and willing ear. When you're not being a colossal dick, anyway. What may have started out as general dislike, tinged by malice born of resemblance on my part, has long since turned into something far more amusing. Although I will never feel any physical attraction for you, and even were it not for Neyaa, I would most certainly not share a bed with you, our slanging matches have often been a highlight of darker days. I have grown to appreciate your scathing wit and willingness to be the target of mine, even if I still dislike your face and find you to be more smarmy than charming. It's taken a while, I'll admit, but I'm warming up to you!
Eroforth, handsome and witty. I don't really know you well, but you amuse me nonetheless even as you amuse yourself at my, and everyone elses expense. I should make more of an effort to speak with you.
Eordion. What's left to say about you that I haven't already said? An apology still pending, an accord yet to be reached. You taught me a lot. Even if the latter lessons were of a particularly unpleasant nature, still I find that I can now thank you for them. Perhaps one day I will. Hindsight is such an odd thing.
Taala! Oh, my my, Taala! Ferocity personified in all that you do. I pity the twit who tries to come between you and your love! I pity the twit on the receiving end of your blade! Your honour may be a specialised and somewhat twisted thing in the eyes of those who dislike your kind, but it is a thing of unyielding beauty nonetheless. You've a strength that I think even you fail to truly appreciate and both the will and stubbornness to tread your own path no matter the opinions of others. You'll be a wonderful mother, I think, though perhaps not a conventional one!
Dagramir, my saviour, my silmaril. I think a part of me will always see you in that way. I found you at a low ebb in your life and gave you what I could to ease your way forward. You, however, returned that tenfold for me. You came looking for me when I was at my lowest, you plucked me from that ledge and risked your own life in the process just to see me safe. You took care of me when I was unable to do so for myself. I never asked it of you and you had no real reason to do so, but you did it anyway. Though you were not the one to restore the fire in me, though you were not the one to soothe my pain, you were the one who made it possible. Although I have come to realise that what I mistook for love of you was but the desperate need of a lonely, broken woman seeking something, anything, to hold on to, still you will always have some small place in my heart for all that you have done. You are not, however, upon that pedestal any longer. Perhaps, if we meet again, we'll find a better position in which to place one another.
Toddir, possessed of a steady heart and sweet mind. We often disagree, but I don't believe that we ever truly argue. You are, perhaps, my truest friend and one whom I would very much hate to lose, though we don't speak as often as we might. Ever cheerful, ever mild in your mockery and gentle in your understanding. I miss your warmth, your small-world wisdom, your ability to cut straight through my oft-unwitting tendency to dissemble and the way you remind me to look beyond the immediate. Perhaps, since our Evendim trip, I have not given you the attention that you deserve, but I hope that can change, as I hope that matters have progressed well between yourself and your lady-friend! If ever a man deserved to find joy and comfort in another, it is you.
Rowan... Rowan. Frustrating, challenging, silent and stoic. Were I not already aware of the give in your skin, the way your chest will rise and fall when you breathe and the steady, comforting beat of your heart, I might mistake you for a man carved of stone. You give nothing away, but ask for so much, often more than I want to give and yet I give it anyway. I really have to stop that. Part of the time I want to kiss you, part of the time I want to kick you, but one thing remains constant; I am drawn to you and I don't know why. Whatever the manner of our parting, whatever the manner of our next meeting, I hold onto some hope that we can find some common ground. It is, after all, you that I most wish to see now. What little you have allowed me to know, what I have gleaned and observed, is not enough. Though you resist my attempts to learn more, avoiding and deflecting my questions or outright refusing to answer, still I find myself trying. Is there anyone else in this world into whom I have put so much effort? Is there anyone else in this world who makes me want to in spite of the setbacks? No. If it were anyone else, I'd have walked away long since. How and why do you hold my attention so? Perhaps, in time, I'll know the answer.
All these people, all these lights in the darkness, all these friends that I have left behind... All these differing spirits and personalities that make up the reality of my interests in Eriador...
I'm coming back. I'm on my way. Soon, my dears, soon. I will face your recriminations if such there should be, I will weather your anger if any there is. I will do what I can to make amends if any need to be made. And this time, I will do it willingly.
