What have I gone and done? It is as if all sanity left me, took on a form of it's own and uttered the words I have so carefully tried to conceal. It was as if I were on the outside, watching this unfold through a window, time slowed, agonizingly slow, and I hammered my fists upon thickened glass, trying to break through and stop the madness that was unraveling afore me. What was I thinking of? What possessed me?
Our trysts had continued, each one lasting longer, more revealing, secrets shared, trust growing and I had began to wonder if perhaps there was not something more between us than a tangle between friends, Ha, what an idiot I am. Thoughts can become addled, actions misread, words misconstrued, hope born out of these things.
Even as the words tumbled from my mouth, as carefully chosen as they might have been, I knew they had fallen upon unwilling ears, an unwilling heart.
My purpose to visit was not for the usual reasons, I had thought more on the matter of Taala and Eroforth's wedding celebration and reached the conclusion that it was selfish of me to go, I was not wanted there and after much deliberation I had decided I would not go and therefore release Seaver from any bargain he had made with Taala. He seemed disappointed with my decision.
All was well, other than the man was tired, we sat quite content, talking quietly, of late our talks had been calmer and I had noticed the awkwardness I normally felt at the beginning of my visits had dissipated and he seemed more relaxed in my company. So why the blazes did I spoil it all? There was no need, I did not seek aught in return? I could have easily kept my secret, fought against it until it faded and vanished.
He told me that the Captaincy of The Bloody Dawn had been handed to yet another within their ranks. Ayla had passed the Sigil to a man named Ebold, sighting lack of respect and that she could not manage to run The Dawn and look after her son. I can understand why she would put her son first. I do not know ifn it was the mention of Ayla, that plucked the thought from my head about this accusation she had made that I loved him, and he had dismissed the woman so readily, that I felt compelled to admit, that of late, yes, I was beginning to love him, and so I told him. Was it not best he heard it from my lips, properly with reassurance that it did not need matter, rather than from the mouths of others, mocking and jeering? As soon as I uttered the words I felt as if I had been hit with an anvil. Never before had I wished so hard that I did not have a tongue or that it should have been ripped from my throat as my confession continued.
I do not know what compelled this, perhaps it was the humility that others were noticing and I needed to tell him in my own words that it wasn't a terrible thing, not a threat..? Or mayhaps it was his admittance that he cared deeply for me and had few that he may call friend that I was driven to tell him that I cared deeply for him also, that I would always be a friend to him and as if to prove the point, I finally admitted that I was beginning to love him. Oh how awkward that was, I could weep with shame, I recoil at the look upon his face, any words he may have had in reply froze in his throat. How I wished I could take them back, but it was too late. It is not as though I did not know him better, he did not need nor want comforting words.
He the spoke of his meeting with Colewulf, I can only guess he wished to change the subject, and I can not blame him for I welcomed the change in topic also. However, the conversation continued, and I was party to it, but my mind still remained fraught, going over my foolish revelation. I could not even leave it there, desperate to repair some of the damage, I asked him to kiss me, he obliged but there was naught behind it, and in that moment it was confirmed, I had made a terrible mistake. Our words may have been carefully chosen in the past to protect one another but our kisses had always felt honest and now they did not.
The room felt as if it was closing in around me, the air grew thin and my panic built. I knew from his look that he had not wanted this confession of mine, he told me he was sorry, and that he did not know what I wanted him to say. I wanted him to say naught and that was the truth. I told him I was sorry and that the truth was I would have loved him if he'd have allowed it and that was why I had buried it so deep and fought against it so hard. I told him I loved him and that he was quite wrong about the fate weavers and nay sayers that claimed nobody would ever love him, because I did have love for him and if I was to walk out of his house and never return at least I had found the courage to tell him whether he wished for it or not, he had my love and it was not a love that demanded aught in return. I said unto him that I did not understand what sort of love it was and it was not entirely what I felt for Deredan, but it was something all the same.
He just stared at me, perhaps he thought madness had finally gripped me, but fear had gripped him, he kept on staring and I felt so wretched, so ashamed, abashed, I had disgraced myself and I had far from unburdened myself, the only thing I had gotten rid of was the friendship I had so slowly earned. Nay, I did not feel forlorn for myself, but for what I had done, I think I had become one of the few he could have relied on and now I was every worse kind of fool.
As I stumbled from his house, in silence and out into the night, I sensed his eyes still upon me, trudging up the hill to my home, I knew I could never go back and I am sure I am no longer welcome...
