A few days later, my companions and I were entering Thamas Lorn again. I was lost in deep thoughts and this deep anger was filling my heart. I was so disappointed, angry, in rage and I could not really appear either serious or in calm manner. I was in disbelief held outside a meeting where they decide what our next move would be. The banner officers and commander Istuir decided the next immediate course of action without me. I am sure this was based on the private talk I had with Istuir by the Hoarwell river at Last bridge. The private talk I had with the person I was becoming so fond of, the person I allow myself to be weak with.
Istuir told me the reason I was held outside this meeting was that he observed that my mind was blurred by wanting revenge, I had too much anger inside and for the sake of my banner I was excluded from the decision making process. I was furious and started to debate this and also questioning his orders. This in turn made Istuir annoyed and he silenced my words in death by ignoring it all. Culir and his banner was leaving us by the foot of Weathertop, he and his banner would see if they found any traces of the Orc Commander that had escaped. I would have joined him, but I was not allowed. If it was up to me the whole group should have searched for and stopped the commander before he reached his superior. Who knows what information would be shared and what rage we may have caused. I was concerned about Culir too, was it safe that he travelled alone with his banner?
According to commander Istuir, it was not the right time to join him and I think he started to grow tired of my attempts to debate this decision now, his words turned darker and shorter.
So the order was to rejoin the rest of the Flower back to Thamas Lorn and report to Hirgonui. I could not look Istuir in his eyes, for the first time I felt betrayed by him, I felt he used the weak moment I had in a private conversation, and based on that he held me out from an important banner commander meeting.
I know I should not feel so much anger towards him because he was only doing what was best for the Flower and he was also following Hirgonui's orders. So to disobey his orders I would indirectly disobey Hirgonui orders. I know he was disappointed with me as he was avoiding me the rest of the journey. I somehow felt cut of short, I wanted to repair the cracks in my pride, but I could not. My words in this were irrelevant and it was now ignored.
Ephendir gave me some good advice, as he knew I was upset about all the loose ends. But he gave me guidance to meditate and I tried. But each time I saw that cunning Orc commander circling around me like I was a trophy, sometimes I saw Istuir dark eyes displeased. I could not focus and find rest.
When we entered our Halls in Thamas Lorn, an urgent meeting was called and Hirgonui listened to all our reports. He even listened to me and my opinions. I was trying to not upset anyone anymore, so I was very careful, but I did share my concerns and also what I would have done. I quickly saw Istuir in the corner of my eyes clearly uncomfortable by my words.
Hirgonui decided that if Culir and his banner did not give any reports in three days. We should go back to look for him. For now we had equipment to repair and wounded to take care of. He also pointed at an area on the map, based on the direction we heard the orc's were retreating to, based on the map I found and the association with Gundabad. Findings, traces and his intuition lead him to area on map called Ettenmoors. But we would not be sure until we heard words from Culir again. So we had to wait.So in three days we had to wait for further instructions.
I realize it was probably for the best for me to have a short timeout. I needed to rest and I was physically distressed. I was nearly killed and I saw my friends get wounded. I did not think I have been totally unreasonable and debating the decision by the banner officers and Istuir was with all the good intentions ever imagine. I got some encouraging advice from Alfiriel though, which gave me a certain comfort. They knew I had my heart on right place, but the leader's after all knew best. With age and experience, wisdom comes.
When evening arrived and the sky turned dark we were off duty and I saw Istuir again. He was not so pleased with me and I heard his words about disrespecting him. I was provoked and I decided to challenge him by scaring him. I told him it was probably the best I retreated my position as Banner officer. He did not take the bait, nor did he fall for my attempts of self-pity. He basically asked me to pull myself together and move on. I could see he did not like my words and my attempt to make him weak emotionally disgusted him.
I saw Istuir in a new light then, his concern and love for the Flower and to defend these lands. This was stronger and deeper that I could ever imagine. He would not have anyone to stop him and come between what he believed in regard to the ways and customs that decided within the Flower. He would not accept anyone questioning his orders or even debate him. So my cracks in my pride and the humiliation of not being included into meeting for further tactics I had to carry and fix myself. Istuir was not interested in remorse or sympathy regards this. Not even towards me, the one he calls his Lady...
That evening I made a decision, I would have to keep hold on my frustration, fear and my opinions when I was on duty and trust the more experienced once, otherwise I would stand in the danger to lose what I loved the most. Him, and also serving the Flower.
This was a valuable lesson to me. For now I had to move on. In three days some more alarming tidings would probably appear and I had to be clearheaded then.
(Song made by this player and B-train on guitar:.Elements)
