I need to forget about her. It's not good for me to keep wanting her when I can't have her. I saw Tosie today in the Pony, with her new man. I was talking to Nunen, a sweet and pretty young woman, but one who is mourning her late husband, she still wears her wedding band and I'll keep my distance. I don't need anymore rushing into things only have them end with heartache and regret. We were speaking in the back room about the return of her wayward father and I saw Tosie and Eordion in the hallway, fooling around like the way we used to do. I decided to leave, I didn't need to see all that. As I was walking by I could see Tosie look at me and of course, I couldn't keep my damn mouth shut. I made a stupid comment about her dress, that her new boyfriend dresses her up really nice. Yes, it was sarcastic and laced with the venom I could not keep out of it. She looked gorgeous, as always. I guess she took it as an insult, she followed me out to the back porch, looking rather hurt and upset. Then we had it out.
She showed me the note she must have written to Eordion, saying she was mad that I was rubbing my 'new girl' in her face. That I'd found someone better because Nunen could speak. Which is of course completely rediculous, it was only the second time I'd ever spoken with Nunen, hardly a romance. And I've never once considered her mutism a handicap or anything, I thought we communicated just fine. I could talk to her and she to me, in our own way and I never really thought of it as very different. I know she's sensitive about her being mute but I lost it.
I told her that I had every right to talk to a girl when she had already taken up with a new man when my boots were barely out her door. That she wasn't the only one who felt lonely. Maybe I didn't have enough time for her but it wasn't because I chose to not be with her. The demands of my job are just that, I can't ignore them.
I tore her note up and I asked her if she didn't understand that her letters hurt me, that her leaving didn't hurt me? That finding out she'd try to poison herself and it was me that she sought to care for her after it happened wasn't going to affect me? When I took her out from under the bed, I could see how she hurt and I shared with her my biggest secret. Something no one else knows but my closest family. I know she hurts and the loss of her child will never fully be healed. As much as I just want to throw her away, to pretend she had no affect on me, I just can't. I took her hands and I could see the look in her eyes, I knew that look but then Eordion came out, not to mention her brother was around. I left then, I wasn't going to get into a fight with the man. Not over Tosie if she doesn't want me. She made that clear when she let me go. Damn her. I hate that I feel this way, I just want to forget her and forget what we had. I'll keep her stuff, Meredith's doll and the pictures she drew of us...I'll keep them because I promised I would but they're hidden away, with other things I just don't want to feel anything about anymore. As Nunen said, we can't be too hasty. I won't be hasty, not about Tosie or any other woman. The one I thought I could relate to ended in a one night disaster. Tosie's done with me and Nunen is in mourning. Forget it.
I went and signed onto my shift, in a black mood. I took a tour of the Alley, willing those bastard Stone Quarter bandits to come at me but nothing happened. Not even a drunk and disorderly, nothing for me to vent my frustration on. Maybe I just need a loose willing woman that wouldn't mean anything to me nor I to her, someone to pass a bit of time with. Something other than laying in the bed in the big empty cottage I rented. I'd even settle for being back at the barracks but I'm an officer now and it's unseemly. I look forward to the hunting trip the men have planned in the Watch, something to get my mind off of affairs of the heart or loins, whatever it is. Killing a boar or bear might be what I need, something to set my mind on that I can actually accomplish. Something I don't have to feel anything about but guttural, primitive pride.
Reading this over, I'm considering tossing this whole flipping notebook into the fire. Fucking feelings are turning me into a right twat.
